Dream A Little Dream Of Me
by faorism
Summary: Soku. Exhaustion edging up on the both of us, Riku placed his hand on my hip in a slightly possessive manner and I couldn't help but ask myself before falling asleep, 'What did I just do...'
1. Leave All Worries Behind You

Author's Notes: Please note that this is _not_ a song-fiction and there are _major_ spoilers, seeing that I ripped off the ending to make about half a chapter's worth of plot.

Main Pairing: Riku/Sora

Overall Rating: NC-17 for content in Chapter two

* * *

Leave All Worries Behind You

* * *

My hand held stiff as he stared emptily at my offering. For so long, his green eyes had desperately searched for something absolute and finally, he found it willingly outstretched to him. I could only wonder how overwhelmed he must have felt.

But then again, was that not what I myself had been doing for the past three and a half years? I traveled the far corners of eternal space, hoping to find the two people who meant the most to me. One was my best friend, someone I would regard as nothing less than my sister. At times, she knew more about me than I did. (I admit it's not such a tremendous achievement; I could be a bit oblivious. But I have to give her some credit.) Maybe she was not a sibling through blood, but definitely through our love.

I couldn't just abandon her now.

"We'll go together."

The light radiating from across the black water created no shadow on this beach, or on his face. How could it when faced with the overwhelming neutrality of the surrounding world? I think I could feel it more than he could. There was nothing here. Literally nothing. This place was the root to the entire universe, and being so had stripped it. It was nothing more than an escape from what was real, what was true.

"So much for staying here to protect this realm."

And who was that other person I spoke of? Well, let's just say that he was one and the same with the young man sitting on the dark sand at my feet. It should also be said that he was the one I wanted to be more than a best friend, a brother, or a simple crush with. Being separated from him told me that.

"They're waiting for us. She's waiting." I knew if I had my way, he would be mine. "We can't hide forever, Riku."

He reviewed the distill claps of the tide against his shoes before turning back to me. He nodded and whispered, "Yeah." His palm slapped against mine and I pulled him up with the flex of my arm, holding his exhausted body close to keep him steady. A pang of guilt upset me, seeing that my healing abilities could do nothing for his pain. Riku, who was much taller than me, slipped his arm around my neck and put his weight upon my shoulders. He clutched his side and took a step toward the brightening horizon. (Dammit. Another pang. He received the most critical injuries taking direct damage to protect me.)

I went to grab his belt in order to hitch him in the direction of our destination. But for the third time that day, I misjudged how far his jeans hung from his waist, and got a handful of said pants right against his ass. I blushed, but made no effort to remove myself. I saw him smirk from the corner of my eye, ready to comment on the situation.

Blanching from the thought of what he might say, I tried to start up a conversation that completely avoided my hand and his pants. But nothing ever formulated because as the water hit my knee, I suddenly felt split. I knew I was stepping forward at a pace Riku would be comfortable with—and yet, I was falling. No air was streaming past my face. The weightlessness of flight had not consumed me. But I still _knew_. It wasn't for several more steps before I began to _see_. My vision was torn, or rather, my vision was interpreting two different images, and my mind was overlapping them. One was of this dark realm, and the other was of a colorfully rich sunset, an ocean and island included. Wait—an island?

I gasped and turned to my companion. "Riku, can you see—?"

It was then that I lost him. Actually, I lost the entire beach. My eyes were forced close, but I could tell that the sinking feeling that had been flooding me was correct.

My breath caught, and my thoughts jumbled: Was I falling feet first? No. The air encircling me first rammed into my head and slid down my sides. My clothes licked my trembling body. Where was Riku? I couldn't breathe. I was moving too quickly, quicker than ever before. But how much longer until I hit the end? I couldn't tell. Where was Riku? I inhaled through my nose. Just open your eyes, I told myself. Come on. My eyes twitched. Come on, a little more…

Two suns greeted me. One was a star and the other just a reflection, but it was barely possible to tell which was which. There were two bodies of land separating the horizon from sky. One, which covered much farther than I could make out, was the station to many buildings and mountains in the distance. Together, these red-roofed buildings were a town—my town. (It was really the Destiny Islands!) The other was a small island just off the coast of the mainland. Tall, lush trees enveloped the land, covering small architectures within its heavy branches. I saw our tree house, the make-believe boat, and the big rock where Riku and I would spend hours sparing with our wooden swords. (Ha, wooden swords.) I thought I would never be able to return!

When I saw myself reaching the end to my drop, I crossed my arms and, to my dismay, closed my eyes. I spun slightly, which disoriented me once I broke through the water's surface. The slight movements of the water coming from a source other than myself led me to the conclusion that my light-haired friend was somewhere behind me. Surprisingly, I wasn't hurt by the crash of a thousand-foot dive. There wasn't even a huge splash, which kind of ticked me off. And even more amazing was that when I reemerged, my hair was as I had left it: spiking a foot off my scalp in slants going every which way. Wait, I did just fall, right?

"Sora! Riku!"

My heart jerked. I searched for the source of the familiar voice. There she was, standing welcomingly on the lip of the ocean. I looked at her smiling face as she flung her hand up to wave. After a shared laugh with Riku, I fell forward, pushing off the sand floor. Although I had much practice with swimming over the span of my adventure, my movements were heavy with disbelief. The water was so clean; so refreshing.

When the water became too shallow for me to swim, I stood, barely able to do so because of my excitement. Kairi greeted me with a laugh. Beginning to run out to her, I halted with the approaching of several more figures. From behind Kairi, two blurry blobs tumbled toward me: one blue and white and the other black, yellow and green.

Together, the two shouted, "Sora!"

It was too late to brace myself once I realized what these blobs were. I was violently thrown backward with the force of my friends' combined glomp. Two pairs of arms gripped onto me in an effort to keep me stationary. Donald's nasally cries mixed perfectly with Goofy's "garwsh" and "a-hyuck." Their cheeks rubbed against mine. Before I could stop myself, I looked from the corner of my eye for Riku. He and King Mickey were embracing in the same, loving manner I was with Donald and Goofy.

As Goofy shifted his weight from my left arm to my shoulder, a prod from a sharp object in my pocket sent a jolt of remembrance through me. Easing (more like prying) my two pals off me, I turned to Kairi again. She had stepped toward our dog pile without me noticing. The tide ran over her shoes. My throat clenched impulsively at the long awaited sight of the girl. How long did I search for her, trying to rescue her, during my adventure? How many times did I crave to see her shining eyes smiling back at me? A hint of a promise spurred even more of a response. Realizing that we had been staring for quiet some time, I said exasperatedly, "We're back."

The redhead stuck out her hand. "You're home."

Quickly taking the precious memento from my pocket, I grabbed her hand with it between us. Kairi pulled me up to my feet. When I released her, the girl automatically went to examine what I gave her.

The thalassa shell charm rested in her palm. The charm was shaped like a star, with five of the shells as the points. Its legend states that a traveler equipped with it would have a safe voyage, or so she told me when she made it. Kairi lent the little star to me toward the middle of my journey. I had told her I was leaving to rescue Riku from the grips of darkness, just after I had saved her from him. I must have had shocked her. "There might not be anything you can do," she had told me.

"I have to try," I had replied. The cave underneath Traverse Town was so dark that Merlin needed to have torches lit constantly. They had created odd shadows against the bumpy walls.

"I know he's your best friend, but he's not _our_ Riku anymore. He's changed, and you know it. Aren't you afraid of, you know, not being able to bring him back?" For the first time in years, I had responded with the full truth: I loved Riku in a way I probably shouldn't, but I couldn't stop. I needed to go and try so I knew I had done everything in my power to get him back to me. Kairi was the first person I came out to, so when she accepted me, I felt better than I had in so long.

Kairi bit her trembling lip as her fingers traced the shells. Her big, cerulean eyes blinked several times as she swallowed loudly. "I cannot," she said shakily, "I—I cannot believe you remembered!"

The slim female squealed in a pitch no man (other than a castrato) could ever reach. Her arms flew open, and she jumped. I was slammed to the ground, again, as Kairi threw all her body weight against me. I landed with "Oof."

Catching a whiff of her sweet, flowery shampoo, I sat cross-legged with her in my lap. She squeezed me, pressing her warm body close to my wet one. Her face buried into my shoulder, and her hands were lost in the fabric of my shirt. The redhead wasn't crying, just breathing softly. I hugged her as everyone watched. If it had been anyone but Kairi, I may have been uncomfortable; however, with the redhead, it felt too natural to be weird.

"Man, I missed you guys," she whispered. "When I started to remember you and Riku again, I felt so alone. My two best friends were traveling farther than I could imagine, mixed up with a whole bunch of bad guys. You could've been dead, and I had no way of knowing."

"Hey! You thought that I would get myself killed? Please, Kairi, you know I'm too awe—"

Sitting up, she punched my stomach in a ha-ha-you-better-shut-up-before-you-make-an-ass-of-yourself way. A pout played on her lips. "I'm trying to be serious, and all you can do is joke." Suddenly, a chuckle interrupted my moment with the girl. We both turned to Goofy, who was obviously trying to muffle his laughter. "What's so funny?"

"Garwsh. Nothing's funny, 'cept that you expected Sora to be serious. That's like, like asking, ah um..."

Donald finished Goofy's sentence, "Like asking Leon to pick between a gun and a sword."

A blush rose up to my face. "I'm serious all the time!"

"Would that be before you pretended to be a pirate, or after you wanted to meet Santa Claus?"

He did not just bring in Santa Claus! "Oh, that's it. You just declared war, my friend!" I pounced on the wizard, thereby starting a water fight between me, Kairi, Donald and Goofy. We were mostly splashing around, although every once in a while a tackle slipped in.

It wasn't long before my exhaustion set in. My last battle had been exhilarating because of its sheer intensity, but a person doesn't run on pure adrenalin. The rest on the dark beach had done me good, but it wasn't enough. Besides that it for such a short amount of time, for most of it I was being distracted by Riku's presence and conversation. Telling Donald, Goofy and Kairi I was going to take a break, I stumbled up onto the beach, taking heed of any dips in the sand. Shaking my clothes and hair, I managed to remove some water weighing my body down. But I was still wet, which irked me to no end. Even my hair was having trouble standing up on its own. It did, of course, because it was my hair, but it was having trouble. I looked around for a place to rest. Remembering the island where Riku and I sparred, I walked to the little shack that led to the large rock.

After climbing the stairs and opening a door, I saw that someone was already sitting there. Smiling, I shut the door behind me and ran across a wooden bridge to him, though exhausted as I was. He sat on a peach-colored tree that grew sideways for the most part, with the roots and branches being the only vertical limbs. I jumped over the trunk when I reached it, leaning against the paopu tree's plated bark. Riku acknowledged my presence with a sigh and the calm stooping of his shoulder.

His voice startled the silence around us. "Nothing's changed, huh?"

I knew what he meant right away. The island was exactly as we had left it, with the exception of an extra rope bridge or tree house scattered among the visible branches. "Nope, nothing will."

"What a small world," he breathed. It was strange; we had been to dozens of unique places, experienced so many things, and met some of the oddest personalities, and yet we end up on a planet that never pro- or digresses.

"But part of one that's much bigger." But I think I love it this way. I couldn't fit into any other world. I've been here for about an hour and I feel more welcomed than at a world I was in for weeks.

"Do you remember our raft? It was just a bunch of dinky logs tied together, but I thought it was going to grant my wish for freedom, for complete liberation!" He gestured toward the horizon with his bandaged arm.

"Riku…"

"I just had to get out there, anywhere. And when I finally did get my wish, all I wanted to do was come back here and be with you." With a pause, he continued, "And Kairi, of course. I wanted to be with both you and Kairi. The King always encouraged me, reminding me of my true reality: hanging out with my best friends. He looked so relieved as he left to talk with the mayor and our parents." The leg that had been supporting him swayed, with his hair not too far behind. "But, look at me. The second you guys started playing around, I walk off."

I could hear how he hurt in his voice. I wanted to help but was afraid. I wanted to reach my hand and touch his; to bathe him with kisses and cleanse him of the last three and a half years and of his abandonment of human connections. And I needed Riku's comfort as well; but if it were to be sent platonically, I might just be pained more. If the door from the dark realm to this one had it stayed shut, I could have stayed with him contentedly. This world allows for so much distance. Why did it open? I would have been happy to live in nothingness with Riku had not the door opened. Why couldn't I just have stayed there with him? "Riku," I questioned, "what do you think it was? What opened the door to the light?"

"Come on, Sora. You still haven't figured it out?" He jumped off the tree trunk. I straightened up so we stood facing one another. Riku looked down to me as if I were a fool. He brought up his hand and tapped my shirt over my heart. "This."

Confused, I covered my heart with my left hand. "This?" He nodded impatiently. "I don't understand."

The orange light of the sunset filled Riku's face, in a way similar to how the light did in the dark realm. Still, the two were very different. Now, Riku's features seemed warmer and more real. Even his wispy, almost white hair fell to his nose in such a way that didn't hide his eyes in shame, only shyly concealed them from me. "Don't give me that." He frowned crossly, his delicate face changing in the bright light. "What's the use of hiding it? You love Kairi, don't you?"

"Wha—What?" I managed to get out.

I couldn't believe he said that! Of all the people who told me I wanted her as my girlfriend (and of the same people who I corrected), Riku wasn't supposed to be one of them. And he said it angrily, as if he didn't want Kairi and me to be together, not that I wanted to, but... Maybe what Cloud said was true. I mean: I would be happy for the two if they did get together, but—Dammit!

I was aware that even if my feelings were so powerful, Riku didn't have to feel the same. He could be straight, and even if he wasn't, he did not have to romantically love me. Cloud warned me of the pain of unrequited love, especially toward a presumably heterosexual male. The blond told me of his relationship with Leon in the only conversation I ever had with him that involved more than four sentences. He could hardly stand seeing Leon with a girl, or having the brunet ask him why he wasn't with Tifa yet. From time to time, Cloud did date other men, and the blond hinted at how extreme his promiscuousness was. But it was obvious that only worked for short amounts of time.

Although they did eventually get together with the help of the meddling Yuffie, Cloud said it was just dumb luck that Leon was bi. He expected that it was highly unlikely my "lover boy" was gay seeing how much he liked "that redhead chick." Tactless though Cloud might have been, he was the only one honest enough to prepare me for the possibility.

"You don't believe that do you?"

Riku shifted. "Look, it's okay with me."

"No! It shouldn't be okay. She's like my sister! You should be the last person to think there's anything more than that." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Since we met her, we've both looked over her. We made sure our friends welcomed her, if she was able to do whatever stunts we were doing, and we listened to her problems and stories and jokes. She is my closest girl friend, but not my girlfriend. That's why I searched for her! I couldn't just lose my best friend. I admit that sometimes I did choose to protect her over you, but I knew that you could take care of yourself. With Kairi, it's different, you know?" I paused to catch my breath. Riku's face was blank, so I couldn't tell what he was making out of my ranting. "Listen. I love Kairi just as much as," my speech slowed to halt. I breathed in and finished my comparison, "I love you."

He blinked at me several times. His mouth twittered as if to say something, but stopped, swallowing. Riku licked his lips and muttered, "As much as you love me?" I nodded, my heart aching from the false admission. "No offense to Kairi, but do you honestly only see me as another one of your many friends?" I didn't answer. I didn't know how. I didn't understand what he was asking me. "I see." He shook his head and stiffly walked past me.

Detecting how horrible it would be to end the conversation in such a way, I pivoted and called, "Wait!" Riku stopped just steps away from me.

"What do you want, Sora?"

Shaking my head, I dragged myself over to him. I stood right behind him, my eyes trailing down from his silvery hair. I inhaled sharply. I snaked my arms around his thin waist slowly, pressing my chest to his flimsy vest. His body tensed against my arms. The teen was colder than I expected, and I held him closer because of it. We were both breathing heavily, him more than I; I must have been making him uncomfortable or something. But I needed to do this, whatever the hell this was.

My head rested on his shoulder the best it could; I was shorter than him. "Don't be upset. That came out wrong. I love my friends, all of them. But I do love some differently than others. I grew up with the gang, and they're familiar to me. The people I've met along my journey taught me so much. Donald, Goofy and I went through everything and a day together. And Kairi is Kairi. I fell in love with all of them."

I squeezed harder around him. My lips accidentally brushed against his neck. "And me?"

I knew I was entering dangerous territory, but I couldn't prevent it. My emotions and hormones were flaring, but I pressed them down. I did keep my mouth against his neck, even as I talked. That was too tempting to resist. "I've known you for longer. We have something different, deeper. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I compared what I feel for Kairi to what I feel for you." I carefully chose my words. I was not going to lose my friendship with Riku for anything. "I need you to be here for me." I could be a friend. "I can't imagine not having you in my life." I could repress my attraction. "I love you." I would do anything as long as I didn't lose the most important person in my life.

Quivering fingers grabbed my hands at their knuckles. His head tilted deeply, causing me to slip my face into the nape of his neck rather than the crook of it. "Sora," he whispered. "Please, don't say it like that. You're making me feel like I'm constantly betraying our friendship."

I heard the words 'betray' and 'our friendship' in the same sentence, and I impulsively reeled back, but he grasped only harder. By the severe tensing of his body within my arms it was obvious he had said too much for his own liking. I sighed, "Why?"

He didn't answer. We stood with me embracing him from the back until my feet were tingling with numbness. I didn't understand. These reactions were not what I was expecting, especially after the conversation with Cloud. Why couldn't he see that I had the hots for him and then tell me, yah, I'm flattered but, nah, I don't fly that way. This was all confusing. We were hiding so much from each other. I knew what I was keeping from him, but what could he possibly be keeping from me?

"Just tell me, Riku. What are you doing wrong? Don't I deserve to know?"

Riku took a step forward suddenly, unbalancing me. He turned around and put his hand on my neck. I was startled by this action, uncomfortable for I did not understand what it meant. His fingers were more calloused than what I remembered them to be, but then again so were mine. His green eyes slipped closed and his head bowed forward. "Don't worry about it. It's my problem, not yours. It has nothing to do with you."

With his final statement, a cold passion rose from my stomach and filled my senses. I yanked my hands with such force and suddenness that Riku did not have time to prevent my escape. I had enough of his constant avoidance, of his unreasonable insecurity, and of my aching desperation to please him. I stepped away. I should not have spent so much time imagining kissing him and caressing him and loving him, and so much time wanting to have just a single night with him but knowing one night would never be enough. If he was going to betray me, I might as well just, might as well give up hoping that one day he'll pay attention to me. Sucking on my lower lip, I brought up my right hand, still tingling from his touch, in a clear attack.

"Hey, Sora!" I snapped my hand back to my side. His hair fell over his eyes in such a way that I couldn't make out what he was thinking. We both searched for the source of the call, a not-so-difficult task. Kairi was running across the planks to join us on the large rock-island. I stood expectantly for her, a chill still written on my features. For a split second, I was ashamed of myself; not because of my reaction, per se, but because I knew that, hadn't Kairi appeared, I would have slapped Riku across the cheek with an open hand. But my embarrassment quickly receded with the memory of Riku's unprovoked cold-heartedness.

"Why are you," I began to question her when the redhead stuck something out. "Here," she said as she hunched forward to catch her breath. "Don't ask me to explain because I really do not know."

She held a bottle. At first, I didn't notice the paper rolled up inside. When I did, the little emblem of King Mickey blared up against the cream-colored paper. "From the King," I said, a bit confused. Kairi did not explain, only jerked her hand closer to me. Taking the offering, I quickly uncorked it and began reading. The writing on the paper was immaculate and very elegant, but legible all the same.

"'Kairi, Riku and Sora,'" I read aloud, my eyes wandering to Kairi's blank face before continuing. "'The journey that has brought you to places previously unknown to even your imagination is finally drawing to a close. Each of you (and this does include you, Kairi) were thrust into dangerous conflict as nothing more than a small threesome of children, immature due only to your youth. At the time, all your experiences seemed to be nothing compared to such a tremendous task given to you. But you three—starting as this trio of pubescent adolescents with only a vague passion for adventure—were able to push past this obstacle.' Wait, Kairi, I don't understand." My arm dropped a bit as I stared down the girl. "Why didn't he just say this to our face? Where is"—"Leave her alone, Sora. She said she doesn't know any more than we do. Just keep on reading."

Allowing for only another second of hesitation, I shoved the speaker's chest and snapped, "Shut up!" Kairi gaped at my roughness as Riku blinked at me. "I was not talking to you. If I was, I would have said, 'Wait, Riku,' not, 'Wait, Kairi.' I want to know why she has this letter instead of the King delivering it to us directly. Did that have anything to do with you?"

"What's your problem, Sora?" Kairi shouted with timidity sketched into her words. "After you left, Goofy, Donald and I were playing around for a little longer. We decided to take a break. I went to see if you guys were in the cave"—Riku flinched—"and when I returned all that was left was the bottle. I knew they wouldn't go exploring the island without us so I took it and ran straight here. Why are you acting like such a dick?"

"They weren't there? But they wouldn't just—No! No." My hands wrapped tightly around Kairi's thin biceps, the paper still in my hand wrinkling. "They wouldn't just leave!"

I must have taken it a step too far for Riku's comfort. One moment I was holding Kairi and the next I was pinned against the horizontal trunk of the paopu fruit tree. I struggled in his grip, screaming profanities and threats, but my exhaustion bubbled up again. And although I resolved to stop my attraction to Riku, my body responded too well to the proximity of his. "There isn't a reason to yell." A gentle scowl creased his forehead, but he obviously sympathized with me. Damn. Damn! How was I supposed to be angry with him when all I could think about was how gentle he was to me! Damn it. I was just so tired. I needed to rest. Just needed—My muscles involuntarily went limp. Riku enveloped me as quickly as I had begun to fall, his strength evident in the ease he presented in doing so. He shrugged my arms around his neck, his lips grazing my ear to whisper, "You can be angry at me all you want, just don't take it out on Kairi." Though his tone apathetic toward the fact that I indeed was upset with him, he was in the right.

I nodded, expecting for him to let me go. Instead, he turned us around so that he was up against the tree and I was using him as a nearly vertical bed. And I would have complained about it too, if he hadn't slipped his fingers underneath my shirt to rub circles into the small of my back. Perhaps he knew I wouldn't be able to stand on my own any more. "Continue reading, Kairi."

Whenever the document transferred from me to the girl was a mystery to me, but in that moment I realized it was not in my fist. She didn't sound surprised at the closeness of her two, male best friends. Riku's fingertips against my skin distracted me from thinking any deeper than observation. "Umm, okay. So, we were 'able to push past this obstacle. Of course, you each had your own way of dealing with it. Kairi, you were never just a vessel in which a pure heart could be carried.'" She blushed. "'You were a constant help to your friends, giving them the hope and determination to carry on. Even as a figure said not to have a heart or soul, your other half fought for what she thought was right.

"'Sora, there are not enough words to express how crucial your role was in preserving the worlds' order. I could write on forever about your bravery during the multiple times you risked your life to prevent chaos of all worlds, your loyalty to the many friends made along the way, your strength to defend what was right when even your allies were against you, and your love toward your best friends; but even then I would never be able to account all the pain you must have gone through for the good of all. I never doubted that the boy I sent Donald and Goofy to meet would ever disappoint me, and you have not done so yet.'

"The next part seems a little more vague. 'Well, Riku, we have already discussed anything to be discussed. I do not wish to reveal anything that you would rather not be said. Thank you, my friend, thank you for all you have sacrificed because you knew what the moral thing to do was or to make up for any mistakes my dear late friend or I have made.

"'As King of my world and Observer to all worlds, I appreciate what you have done for us all, so much so that I doubt you could even comprehend the extremity of my gratitude.'" My body felt heavy and I transferred my weight entirely from my feet to Riku's firm chest. I had shut my eyes awhile ago without noticing. "'Kingdom Hearts, the beginning and end to everything in the known universe, called out to you in time of great desperation and you all responded to it. Though different these responses may have been for each of you, I know from the bottom of my heart that they were needed equally. I am proud of what you three have become.'"

I heard Kairi's strong voice as hushed and almost incomprehensible. Riku's heart, beating in a rhythmic echoing of the wave claps against the sand, distracted me further than I would have liked. I barely took in half of what she just said because of it. The male I was leaning against wrapped his slim arms around my waist tighter, his hand on my back moving slower than before. Moving my arm languidly to his shoulder, I could reach up and twirl his soft hair between my fingers. Even in a completely stupefied state, my mind couldn't help but acknowledge how much I loved this. I should have been listening to Kairi… This letter was really important. It could tell me where my friends were… and I cared about them so much…

But, it was Riku; and Riku's hair, and Riku's chest, and Riku's hand, and Riku's hair—his hair was so amazing, it must be said twice—and… the intimacy I've craved for. Why… Why… Why couldn't he see…?

The constant bah-bump, bah-bump, bah-bump… from his chest distracted me once again. Bah-bump. Though I had absolutely no strength left bah-bump, I managed to bury my ear deeper within the fabric of his top. Bah-bump. I could almost feel the vibrations in his chest bah-bump pushing blood throughout his body. Bah-bump. He really was alive. I gasped for breath bah-bump in light of my whimsical discovery. Riku was finally bah-bump, bah-bump safe.

Bah-bump.

Bah-bump.

Bah—

* * *

_I felt myself upright. I was standing still—No, I was pushing, the ground both firm and velvety at the same time. Pushing something… and I was sure of what it was, and that I needed to move it, but for some reason, I couldn't name it nor could I move it. It was set in place, and even though I used all my strength, the object would not inch in any direction. My hands readjusted their position and I felt that the surface of the object was flat except for a depression. The depression was set at a right angle, so I assumed that the entire thing was probably a rectangle. This object must have been man-made. Like… a wall? But why would I try and move a wall? That didn't make any sense. _

_A cry and muffled grunts came from my side, a yard or so away. There wasn't a moment of recognition for the identity of what made the noises. I already knew, and it wasn't important for me to actually name the source—or sources. I just had to throw the little body weight I had against this wall-like structure and get it to close. Closed? Yes, we had to close it. As if it could help, I moaned, "Hurry!" Nothing happened. We needed to do this; it was the last part of our journey! After doing this, I could return to my family, my friends, my island… She's safe now and he… No, don't think of him; it's too painful. _

_But it's too late. My heart jerked and I stopped pushing.—No, push! Push! It'll make you forget!—I lost him. And it's my fault. I gave up. After all I had been through; I let him down at the last minute. I would say it wasn't fair, but it was. I lost faith in him for a moment and—_

_A hand from within the structure suddenly jutted out and gripped out around the door's side. "Don't you dare give up, Sora!" I knew the voice, but it had to be impossible! It couldn't—"Sora! Come on! I can't do this on my own!" I nodded and posed myself for the next shove. The door, as I had apparently identified it, became extremely light, and I hardly had to exert much stress at all. _

_Just as it was about to shut, I stepped back. Between the slit of the two closing doors, a smiling face looked out. Hair thrown a bit around but still not long enough to cover his brilliant eyes, the boy developed a visible sadness. "Take care of her," he whispered, looking behind him to what appeared to be a world wrought with shadow. I nodded solemnly and readied myself.—Wait… This wasn't right! No, no, no! I wanted to call out his name, but the word couldn't form on my lips. No! Stop! He was going to be locked in! Stop!—I knew what I needed to do and I was willing to sacrifice any…_

A thin hand rested on my shoulder. I reached out and grasped an elbow, gasping desperately for air. I was lying on a firm mattress and a pillow resided in my fist. I tried to make out exactly where I was, but I was too unsettled and my eyes would not focus on any one thing. I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed. It was dark with creeping shadows towering against all surfaces, like in that world… the abyss of eternal dusk. It was happening again… I locked him away. I abandoned him. Someone said my name, but it didn't matter. I closed the door to his escape. His name danced on the bend of my lips and a rumbling sob pushed it over the edge.

Whoever I was holding onto embraced me. The smell of heavily perfumed shampoo alerted me to the identity of the person. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath of the sweet scent. "I'm sorry, Sora." She sounded on the verge of tears, but I was not able to truly feel the depth of her simple words. "I'm so sorry." There was nothing an apology could do; I have at least learned this much. 'I'm sorry' was useless. But I could not be spiteful toward Kairi for her—ignorance? misunderstanding of the situation? underestimation of the sorrow I felt? With her hand behind my head and elbows on my shoulders, she pressed my cheek into her chest. Chin resting in my hair, her exhales warmed my scalp.

"Why?"

"I should've been there," she muttered hastily. My hands couldn't keep still on the bed sheet. Where was I? In Traverse Town? But that was impossible. Traverse Town never truly existed. Once we were done with our mission, it was to be shattered and the pieces sent back to their original worlds. Did we mess up? Dread slipped into my skin and tightened my muscles. Kairi continued, "You didn't deserve all the stress, all the pain… I can't even begin to understand how—"

I clutched onto her dress in agony, frightening my best friend. "Stop! Stop," I cried out, my forehead slipping to the edge of her top. "You don't know anything! What I did to him in that one moment is enough to cancel out any good I ever did."—"Sora? What are you talking"—"Kairi, I left Riku behind. I didn't try to save him. Without thinking about what would happen afterwards, I sacrificed the person I cared about the most in this world, and all other worlds."

Kairi pushed me back. "Look at me." I shook my head with the suspicion that I would begin crying. "Look at me," she repeated herself. My mind seemed heavy, so much so that my neck was having trouble keeping my head steady. A mere tremble of my leg threatened the delicate balance.

"I can't do this anymore." Her grip faltered. Just as I expected, even this subtle movement was able to tip my head off its wobbly perch. I couldn't gather the strength to hold it up so it hung wearily, defeated. "Donald and Goofy keep telling me I have to continue. I want to help them, but I'm just so exhausted. I saved you, and I'm pretty sure sooner or later the King will return to them. They don't really need me, right? I want to go. I want to leave. I want to sleep and never wake up. It's just—just too much."

She grasped my chin, making it so our eyes met. "Sora! It's over now. You had a nightmare, Sora. Everyone you care about is okay. You saved them."

"But Riku," I whispered.

"He stepped out. He's not used to sleeping with other people in the room."

I opened my mouth to respond, but I noticed how panicked she appeared and decided against saying anything. My eyes wandered around the room we were in. Though hard to make out due to how dark it was, I would see the familiar trees and ocean from the empty doorframe. It was the old tree house the three of us had used as a secret hideout. The wood planks were a bit shabbier, there were a couple more random objects here and there, and the bed was smaller than I remembered; but there was no use doubting this was the tree house I spent so many nights in with my friends. '_You had a nightmare, Sora…_'

"Oh, no." I blushed in humiliation, covering my mouth with my palm. She smiled softly. "I am so sorry, Kairi! Oh my freaking"— I froze.

Turning away, I moved my hand from my mouth to my forehead. Pity. Her eyes reflected the same unwanted sympathy I had already received from so many people. They all had seen my mastery of my weapon, and my ability to make effective decisions; yet, all my feats were forgotten after hearing a single sob escape my lips in the middle of the night, or seeing a slight flinch distort my face when Riku was mentioned as dead or lost to evil. Was I not allowed to be something other than a hero every now and then? And even heroes were allowed to have issues, right? In any case, I stared pointedly ahead to avoid her eyes.

We stood quiet for about ten, long minutes before she decided to talk again. "Your friends warned me about it. They said it's been happening so long, they got used to it. Not that you do it every night but… I didn't realize it would be like this." I tried so hard to stop. I haven't had one in so long. Why tonight? Why the first night back? I could only imagine if Riku had been here to hear me cry out his name. "Sora?"

"What?"

Her foot tapped aggressively against the floor. "Can I ask what you dream about?"

"You can."

I could almost hear her rolling her eyes. "May I ask what you dream about?"

"You may."

Her foot stopped mid-tap. "Sora, don't be a prick."

I fisted both my hands and put the knuckles in the curves of my sockets. "I dream about you, and Goofy and Donald, and everyone else I have met." I fought off so many enemies, a number of them much larger than myself and a sizable amount of them single-handedly. Why did my memories terrify me more than those beasts?

"And him?"

My throat clenched. "Especially him."

Her fingertips brushed the back of my neck. "What about us?"

"Everything. Anything I did that hurt someone else. Anything I regret doing, even if I had no other choice. Most of the time, it just ends up being about him. When it comes down to it, I messed up so many times." I licked my lips in preparation of my confession. "I let him be swallowed by darkness just because I was jealous."

"What?"

I was so stupid. I was so ignorant. "I was so jealous. This is going to be really rude to you, Kairi, but… I used you as a scapegoat. I always played along with what everyone said about us. You know, how cute it was that I, a little boy, spent so much time with you, a little girl. It didn't matter to them that I spent much more time with Riku, of course. My dad would warn my mom about not leaving you and me alone for too long or she'll end up catching us kissing. I knew he was playing around, but it upset me that he didn't say the same things about Riku. I never said anything because it really didn't make a difference.

"Then, one day, I don't even know why… Remember how we carved my face and Riku's into the cave wall? The one that Riku got mad at because we made him blushing? Well, I went there for no other reason than to look at our crude, little drawings. One second I was looking around and the next, I was holding a stone, scratching at the wall. I drew, um," I stopped, unable to finish out of embarrassment.

"I know about the paopu you drew." I blanched, squeezing my eyes shut. "Don't be like that! It's so cute! I found it awhile ago. I helped it along." I looked at her suspiciously, but she only smirked. I decided not to ask for fear of the answer.

"Well, that really sent me overboard. I didn't know there was a word for what I felt, or that others were like me. I just knew I shouldn't act on my feelings. So I convinced myself that Riku loved you (and for all I know he does). It hurt me so much, and I hated knowing that you had an advantage that I could never have."

"…That I'm a girl?"

I bit my lip. "It's not like that. I wanted it to be okay for me to like a boy just like for you. And then I played the 'denial card.' I told myself I loved you and not Riku, and that we should be together. You know I love you, Kairi. But for you to be my girlfriend, not because I sincerely wanted you to be, but because I didn't want you to be with the boy I liked, well, that's really messed up. I made Riku my rival because it was easier for me to see him as an enemy than the guy who would never return my affections. Up until that night when I told you the truth, I was still denying my feelings. I loved Riku every moment, and I still do. Earlier, you said that you hated the fact that you didn't know what Riku and I were doing. Well, try to imagine how I felt…"

"I don't understand."

"Did you hear my little rant when I woke up? That's the kind of things that ran through my head. I honestly thought I killed him. Jiminy spent night after night convincing me that it was impossible… But I still… I was so afraid. And I was right to be! You saw how he ended up. Having to pretend he was that—that piece of trash so he could help me. Riku told me what that pig made him do…" Revolting images of large, orange-hued hands boldly running its course down my friend's slim body gagged me. How did Riku live in that form remembering what its original owner had done to him?

Why was he so ready to do it?

I began shaking as she sighed. "You have to tell him."

I frowned. "Tell who what?"

"Don't hide in your hands. Look up at me." This time, I refused outright. She uttered a complaint but continued anyway. "You need to tell Riku how you feel about him."

"…No."

"Come on, Sora. You can't not tell him!"

"No."

"He'll figure it out soon enough."

"No."

"Sor-a!"

"No."

The redhead hissed and jumped off the bed, the mattress screeching in response to her absence. Kairi flopped down on the floor in front of me. Arms that could only belong to a girl steadied Kairi from her sudden movement. With the moonlight streaming in from the doorframe, her hair glittered as the soft strands swayed. The curves of her slim body gently led the eye down her feminine shape, with the cut of her dress assisting in this task.

A squeeze to my hand caused a dry pain to shoot up my arms. "I'm not playing around." Her voice was strikingly cool and unfamiliar. "You need to do this. It's not just about your love life anymore. You are completely and utterly absorbed by the constant misery you set yourself up for by promising yourself you won't let anything change between us." Her face softened sympathetically. "Don't you see? We can't go back. You know of and have accepted your attraction to Riku. I know of and have accepted your attraction to Riku. Riku, well, he's changed. He's not our Riku anymore," she said with a smirk, quoting the conversation we had so long ago. "And I'm not the same Kairi. And you're not the same Sora. What's the point of going back if the people we once knew so well don't exist anymore?"

Her speech chilled me. (I always knew it wasn't a good thing for her to be able to read me so clearly.) Maybe what she wanted was to hear me say that I never thought of this before, that she had lifted the wool from my eyes, that she had enlightened me and that I must flee to Riku and tell him of my undying love. I would have done so, if it had been true.

I already knew what she was telling me. I was not so foolish as to think that it would be the same. Yes, as Riku and I had said, the island was exactly as we had left it: the same trees; the same sky; the same sands. But between Kairi, Riku and I, there would be an indefinite amount of complications. I knew what I needed to do, for our trio and for my own happiness. I understood that, especially considering how delicate our friendship had become, I had to confess to Riku. It all rode on me and my actions, once again. I knew what I had to do!

But there was still a clawing feeling at the base of my throat just thinking about telling Riku how I felt about him. And there was the jittery twitching of my leg, the stutter held beneath the underside of my tongue, and the tightness in my chest. How could I make her understand the frightening hunger for his warmth? the desperation to have Riku's sleeping body at my side to make sure he was safe? the dread of the possibility of Riku walking away from me forever? "Kairi," I murmured, standing up, "what if he hates me when he finds out?"

She hadn't been expecting that question. The redhead looked away, pursing her lips together. Her mouth flopped as she tried to respond with something honest and positive. Ah, Kairi, did I finally find something that you couldn't answer? I separated our hands scornfully and she let me, getting up as well. Trying to get back her hold as my consoler, she lamely offered, "He won't. Not to you."

I smiled wryly. "I have no proof to show me he won't detest my guts afterwards. You can never tell. I only hazarded to tell you because of how kindly you reacted to the whole 'Leon is waiting for Cloud who left Leon because he doesn't think Leon likes him back' drama. But Riku has never met them face-to-face, and we didn't really mention them being together to him. I can't judge him like I did you. No one on these Islands seems on the queer side, so there's no one I can test his reaction with. Well, I guess it's nice to know that I'm the Islands' token flamer."

She turned her face away as if I had slapped her. "But, surely someone along the way…" She couldn't even end her sentence. Her hesitance betrayed her uncertainty. Where was my Kairi, the Kairi who wouldn't have let one question throw her off? Was she thinking the same thing all along but was too afraid to say it? "Riku would never stop being your friend for something so petty." She didn't understand that hate was rarely noble, did she?

"I would rather suffer unrequited love than abandonment."

I would not tell him. I couldn't. I could never face the possibility of him leaving me if I told him. Kairi had run out of encouraging words that would have been able to push past my fears to tell him. Instead, tears hung at the edge of her eyelids. The same anxiety that held me back was now spitefully gleeful for her pain. She was the one who had failed me when I needed her. As she covered her face with her hands and sobbed, however, I guiltily retrieved my brief contentment and hugged her. It really wasn't her fault seeing that I was the one who had gotten her involved in my mess. I hushed her some by telling this to her, pressing my lips vaguely to the edge of her hairline.

Wanting to get away from the current conversation, I asked, "Where are Donald and Goofy?"

Through her tears, she managed to get out, "They left with King Mickey to their own world. They needed to preserve World Order or something like that and couldn't stay any longer. They'll return for a quick stay, but not for a while." I embraced Kairi tighter to compensate for my growing feeling of loss. "The King said that he might be able to allow you to visit Leon and the rest, even with all the inter-worldly laws that prohibit it. He said that certain things could be overlooked for the kid who saved the universe." She giggled. Her snuffles softened until she finally stopped.

She sighed. "Only two years have passed here, Sora. Can you imagine that? The King explained everything to our parents already, including the difference in how much time has passed for you and for them. I think they're planning on putting us all in the same grade to make it easier for us, well, more for you two than me." What? Two years? That would make me sixteen! And… school? The very idea of a classroom was so abstract to me now. Even my parents seemed just strangers from another lifetime.

I shook my head and separated us a bit. "Have anything else you want to tell me?"

She smiled weakly and said, "Wakka's with Lulu, and Tidus has been crushing on this one chick."

I felt my heart squeeze inside my chest. Disappointment in the girl I counted on for reckless inspiration still pained me, and her continued inability to give me what I wanted, no, needed was making it worse. I dropped my arms to my side and walked past her. She began to follow, but I held up my hand. "I need to be alone right now, Kairi."

"Oh."

"You understand?"

"Yes, of course. Do you want to meet up later?"

I considered her question for a moment before responding, "No. When the sun comes up, you can take one of the boats tied up to the dock back to the mainland. I noticed there were two. Take that one, and I'll find Riku and share the last one with him."

"Will you be okay?"

Sighing absently, I nonchalantly waved her question off, "Why would there be any problems? He's my best friend."

I exited the tree house into the brisk night.

* * *

Author's Notes: Chapter one up. Hmm… what to say… It's been about a year or so since I wrote most of this, which is a lot of time (obviously). Man, this was supposed to be a one-shot. Now it's a short multi-chapter. Despite that, however, my _**beloved**_ editor, ifthedeadwerealive, still manages to remember the line, "We can't hide forever, Riku," and will constantly quote it at me, the one who wrote it. Now I kind of wish I never wrote the line. Gah! It sounds cheesier every time I hear it, and now my editor refuses that I ever delete it or alter it in any way.


	2. Longing to Linger 'Til Dawn

Author's Notes: Is it just me or are most of my paragraphs the same length? It's really been bothering me lately. It's so ugly! Sqeee! …Well, realizing that anyone who didn't see the ugliness of my same-length paragraphs will now, I'll put that aside. As said in the first chapter's warning notes, here's why this pretty tame fiction gets its rating. (Really, it would barely constitute as a T without it.)

* * *

Longing to Linger 'til Dawn

* * *

I exited the tree house into the brisk night. This particular house was rather high, with a platform jutting out from the door like a patio. To my immediate right, the wooden planks ended and there wasn't a safety rail. Moving toward it, knowing perfectly well how high we were from the ground, I took a step off the planks and onto the top rung of a ladder. The impulse to kneel down and turn around to climb it rushed me, but I knew better. Maybe once the drop was too far, but now, well, now was different. The foot still on the patio swung forward, twisting my body. I allowed both feet to move off into the air and for one sweet moment, I was falling. I stayed kneeling on the ground until I decided that the shallow pain in my limbs were not from the drop, but from my own twisted, self-imposed misery.

I carefully ventured down the pebbly path toward the ocean. Everything was much brighter outside than in the hideout due to the ghostly pale moonshine. Rather than having black and white contrasting heavily against one another, deep ceruleans and navies filtered the vast expanse of the land, slivers of white reflected against the calm surface of the water. Nothing stirred. Even the stars—or rather, the many other Worlds out in the universe—shone dimly, as if not to disturb my peace. My footfalls dragged me leftwards down the path, away from the frothy waves. I clenched my eyes closed in expectation, putting my left hand against a wall at its corresponding side to guide me with my right gripping at my heart. Although it had been so long, I knew exactly when to step up the steps and when I could smell the cleanliness of the small waterfall next to my destination.

My breathing grew irregular when I felt thick, winding vines instead of the wall. I considered turning back, but instead, I examined the gaping, menacing entrance now almost completely concealed by various species of plants. Without pausing to think about the damage I might do to myself, I repeatedly seized whatever branch, root, stem, leaf met my hand first and wrenched at it, throwing the green debris in a pile in a niche between the mouth of the cave and the waterfall ledge. Thorns, rough leaves, and impossibly stubborn, deep-rooted stems frustrated me, tearing at my skin until I had no doubt of its bleeding. But even the pricking cuts were not enough to stunt my empty frenzy. I was about to give up when I reached the final, thorny obstacle.

Without checking behind me, I crouched through the cave's still leafy lips and its low-ceilinged tunnel. The smell of damp earth washed over my senses, reminding me of several worlds I would never be allowed to visit again. I recognized the end of the pitch black tunnel when I could see several distinct shapes of rocks. There was an opening in the high top of the enclosed "room" in the back through which light streamed in. Once there, I stood straight, happy to be able to see my surroundings again.

I smiled as I made my way around the circular room. Pictures of castles and monsters and children playing littered the surface of the rocks. I quickly went past them, however, in search of one in particular. Right next to a knob-less, hinge-less door which I ignored for the time being, I saw it. Wow, I really couldn't draw back then. Unlike Kairi's carving of me, my depiction of Riku could only be identified as him because of the memory of having named it as such. I reached down to touch my addition, an arm extending to offer the drawn Riku a paopu, the fruit only grown in abundance on this island and said to intertwine the destinies of the people who share it. Then, with tears at my eyes, I fingered Kairi's edit that mirrored my own, with the drawn Riku offering me another paopu. The gesture was so simple, yet—

I crumbled forward until I stood almost flush against the rock wall with my face hidden in my forearms. Feeble yearnings to cry out ripped at the base of my tongue, but I refused them. I would not allow myself to shiver uncontrollably. I wanted my emotions to remain private. What would it be like if people were to find out how absolutely heartbroken I was? Humiliating. It would be utterly humiliating. I was hurting much more than most could understand, and it was my own fault: not Kairi's; not Riku's; not even any of my enemies'. I had become too dependent on and desperate for his image. I was the one who made finding Riku the ultimate goal without a thought after that. I had expected too little considering how much I desired. Now I was paying the price for my foolishness.

From behind me, I heard the near silent pats of footsteps against the tunnel's dirt ground. I knew I should have moved from my position, but couldn't find the heart to do it. I secretly wanted to be found like this. The other stopped at what I guessed to be the end of the tunnel before rushing to my side. A palm was placed on my shoulder. I must have assumed my companion was Kairi because when the hand was larger, heavier, I nearly jumped. Now I felt very stupid for not composing myself when I had the chance.

"Sora," he said, and I couldn't tell if his tone was questioning or stating. He repeated himself in the same way, but I refused to answer. I remembered our argument from earlier that day (or the day before if it was already past midnight), and his stinging indifference still whipped my chest. I couldn't look at him, not on the verge of a breakdown. Leave me alone, I wanted to tell him. I tried to radiate the request through my skin.

He must not have gotten the message because he pulled on my shoulder, turning me around. My arms swung down to my side, but I kept my cheek to him. Once again, he said my name and I could detect a slight beg this time. I shrugged his hand off, getting ready for an escape. I was going to end up making an idiot of myself, again, if I didn't leave him now. "I'm going for a walk," was all I could come up with.

That was my Idiot Move number one. I didn't even take one step before my fair-haired companion reposted his hand on my shoulder, with the other doing the same on its respective side. He pushed me back a few inches until my back hit rock wall. His grip was strong and his stance solid. Riku wasn't being violent, but I knew better than to push my luck with him. I was the one pressed up against the wall.

"Please, Riku. I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now."

Idiot Move number two. "'Not in the mood to deal with you?' Deal with me? You have to deal with me now?" Although the structure of his words might be taken as accusing, his tone betrayed the hurt he sincerely felt. "Is that what it has come to? I came in here to talk with you, but won't be able to because you can't deal with me?"

"Riku, don't make me ask again."

"Is this about what I said earlier?"

"No."

"Then what?" He made me face him. The curve of my cheek rested in his palm, his fingers touching my earlobe absently. It was such an automatic gesture, but it meant a world and a half to me. I became acutely aware of how close he was to me at the moment. I could feel the firmness of his chest rising as he breathed. I imagined his leg slipping between my legs, his hip pressing into my pelvis. I would hold his leg a little higher until I was basically sitting on him, and then would slide my body up and down his thigh. He would moan and use the wall for support as he rocked into me as I neared him, begging for me to quicken the pace, to touch him…

He was too close. Too, too close. I couldn't breathe. A blind panic overtook my mind. I was going to slip and he was going to leave me. It would be the perfect revenge for ever doubting him, for closing the door. His fingers slid into my hair. (I just noticed most of it had been combed into a sloppy ponytail. Kairi's doing, knowing her.) I was going to screw up. He was going to find out. He was going to—

"Don't touch me!" I swung my fist with all my might. If it had connected with the side of his head, I have no doubt that Riku would have passed out. Instead, Riku roughly grabbed my wrist midway and held it against the wall. He yelled something at me. I used my other hand and my feet to attack and succeeded in a couple of well-aimed hits. Cursing, he did the same as what he did with my captured hand. To stop any other possible surprise attacks, he closed all space between our bodies. He made it a point to be aggressive as if to threaten me against any further attempts of freedom. If he had known better, Riku would have never done this. He was playing out one of my wet dreams without realizing it, and it was killing me. His heat against my groin was embarrassing, and his dominance over me was thrilling. I desired to be with him despite my resolutions, and that, more than anything, was why I had to escape.

"Did I hurt you?" Regardless of my hostility, he was still affectionate with me, like when he told me to calm down the first time I attacked him.

"Please, Riku. Tell me. How are you betraying me?"

"I—I can't tell you."

"Please. It hurts me to know something's wrong when it involves you."

He shook his head. "I can't. It's best you don't know."

What did he do? How could it be so terrible that he was afraid to tell me? "Tell me before it's too late."

"Too late?"

"Tell me or let me go."

"What do you mean by 'too late'?" He was avoiding the question. It was his dirty little secret, I guess. Maybe he felt guilty. Well, I knew he felt guilty, but he knew how I felt as well. Did he do something else that I didn't know about? Something utterly unforgivable? Riku's slipups were making the situation worse. …This was what Kairi meant. I was too absorbed in Riku and it was seriously affecting me. I'm too old to play these mind games anymore, even if it was with Riku. If he wasn't going to tell me, fine! Let him be that way. I needed to grow up. I needed to get over this.

I needed to quit him.

"Riku, if you don't let me go right now, I'll call for help."

He stared at me for a bitter minute. "You wouldn't," he stated without any conviction.

"Kairi hasn't left the island yet. It's a quiet night. She'll hear me eventually, and she'll come. If it comes down to that, I will never forgive you for making me stoop so low. Nor would Kairi. If I do call out and you decide to cover my mouth, I'll punch you with the hand you freed and I won't miss this time. Kairi may find out, and you'll still lose me. If you let me go, you let me go forever. Kairi will never know, but we would have acknowledged that what we had will never exist again." From between his bangs, I could see the momentary sadness in his eyes, hauntingly similar to what I saw in my dream. "Well? Do something."

"I won't. Not when I'll lose you no matter what I do."

"Do something."

Riku seemed pained beyond my expectations. It comforted me that he didn't want to give me up easily, but I knew it had to be done. "I can't, Sora." I thought about my conversation with Kairi. I was right. I would never be able to get over Riku hating me for loving him, so I couldn't risk telling him. But she was right as well. I could not continue pretending my side of this relationship was platonic, so I wouldn't.

I screamed.

It wasn't a girly scream or anything, but obviously desperate. The cave echoed my call, allowing it to fill every crevice of its rocky walls. But as soon as I had started I heard it muffled. So this is what he chose. I closed my right hand into a fist and tried to swing at him, but found it still held against the wall. I did the same with my left, but it too was still captured. Had I chickened out? I willed myself to increase my cry, with no change. And then I felt it. Actually, I felt them. His lips were frozen over my mouth with no purpose other than to shut it up. It wasn't a kiss. I struggled in his grip and my shriek trembled, but he was persistent.

He pulled back slightly when I needed to breathe, his bangs covering his eyes. I shakily sucked in air and a virginal blush crept onto my face. After all, I had my obsession's mouth on mine. But humiliation soon took its rightful place. Maybe Riku knew how I felt and knew what I desired, even if he didn't move his lips. Or he had no idea and I was overreacting. Or he knew and wanted to hurt me for being cruel. Or… This was too much. I had to do something. "Get off of me, Riku!" I screamed again, but my companion was quick. Before my voice had any chance of alerting Kairi to my distress, I felt his lips again. We repeated this several more times, and with each new attempt my will waned more and more while Riku's only grew stronger.

Thrashing about, succeeding was no longer a matter of escaping. Riku held me too tightly, and Kairi wouldn't think much of a couple of fragmented shouts if she even heard them. Still yelling, I tilted my head and moved my lips slightly, so it was still natural. I had craved for his touch. Would it be so wrong of me to make the best of a moment I would never get to experience again? Riku reacted as if I was trying to get away, so he didn't notice what I was doing even after I had stopped calling out. I admit it was awkward to kiss someone who's not kissing you back, or who didn't realize you were kissing them in the first place.

When he did, however, my friend flipped. He yanked his head back and stepped away from me. Riku looked slightly offended, noticeable even in the dim light. My hands were still not freed. Green eyes peered suspiciously into my blue ones. Maybe taking advantage of a situation was not always the smartest of ideas. "Uh, umm. Well, uh," I stumbled, "ah, are you going to let me go, or do you want to um, do you want us to—to… yeah…?" (I know, lame.)

Riku paled, obvious that he had made some sense out of my rambling that I myself couldn't see. "I'm down to two choices now? One way, as you said, I give you up forever, and the other…" An unreadable expression crossed his face and his breath shuddered as I felt his grip loosen. This was it then. I would probably take it hard for the beginning, but I was sure to get over it, eventually. I was still young. There were still plenty of men. I would meet one that meant just as much to me as Riku did. Even in my head, I could tell this promise was unconvincing. Maybe Cloud had had the right idea. One-, two- or three-night stands couldn't be so bad, right? Lots of guys did it and they were content with their lives. You didn't really need someone to be—

He kissed me. His lips were precise, the texture rough as though they had been a day and a half too long in the sun. I impulsively jerked my head away but found that it was already against the wall. There was nowhere left for me to go.

He increased the intensity of his movements, pain enveloping me. Riku knew. He had to. He knew what he could do to make me stay with him. And I was so pathetic that I would let him because I wasn't valiant enough to choose dignity over desire.

I felt numb. My conscience, my heart, my mind, anything that might have stopped me… refused my commands. I wanted him in every way, and the means with which I used to achieve the ends no longer mattered to me. I gave in, finally able to return my friend's affections. Nothing was of my concern at that moment. So what if Riku was abusing my love for him in order to keep a hold on our friendship? So what if I was allowing someone to use my body as a tool for their own goals (even if this person was Riku who just didn't want to lose me)? Those thoughts were extra. I didn't need them. Not with Riku kissing me.

It was obvious he knew exactly what he was doing by the sheer assertiveness of every little action. Each would send a sensation of wild curiosity down the length of my spine. A kiss that started closed, twisted, then opened at the last moment was entirely different from a kiss that started closed, opened slightly, closed, twisted, and then opened again at the last moment. I tried to keep up but ended up flopping around like a fish. He didn't mind, thankfully, and seemed to enjoy my attempts as though I was executing them as perfectly as him. His hands shackling my wrists eventually became uncomfortable and unnecessary. My fingers numbed from being held up for so long. I wanted to say something, but found that I preferred his kiss over feeling in my digits.

We had been making out for a very long while (so long my feet were on the verge of falling asleep) when a hint of his tongue flicked into my mouth. I staggered at the invasion and turned away. When Riku tried again, I dipped forward. For the first time since we began, the light-haired teen retracted his kiss after the fourth failed try. Staring at me deeply, I watched from the corner of my eye as he dropped each wrist and without a beat take my face within his palms. I allowed one arm to fall down to my side like a sack full of bricks. With the other, I reached out for his ear.

Seeing my movement, Riku flinched as if I was about to smack him upside the head. I smiled and pressed the back of his neck with my hand, pulling him until he was kissing me again. His tongue went straight between my teeth and I could do nothing about it (except bite down, but that seemed a bit too much). The moist muscle scanned the inside of my mouth delicately, tempting my tongue to move along with it. There wasn't some ridiculous flavor to his tongue like vanilla or strawberries or peppermint-flavored toothpaste; but there was a particular, very human taste that sunk into my teeth and gums.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. It didn't take too long to realize the mistake I had made. The foot that should have been holding me up was partly asleep, which I had not expected. My ankle gave in, and before I knew what was happening, I slipped between the wall and Riku, but not without an effort at staying upright. Unfortunately, for what must have been the fourth time that day now, I grabbed Riku's pants. And even more unfortunately, those evil pants (which were out to get me, by the way) fell: down Riku's thighs to Riku's knees, from Riku's knees down Riku's shins to Riku's ankles. Understandingly, my mouth dropped, much like Riku's pants. Did I mention his pants fell?

Stumbling over random words and apologies, I got up on my knees, getting ready to pull his pants to where they should have been.

"No."

I looked up cautiously. Riku's entire persona sobered as he kicked off his shoes and the pants at his ankles. He took off his socks and vests, throwing them into a growing pile of his clothes. "Your shoes and top, Sora."

I did as I was told. I removed everything until I was clad in only my shorts and underneath, my boxer briefs. The hesitance that I had suspended for the night was picking up again. I ran my tongue over the back of my teeth before saying, "How far are you planning to take this?" Kissing was one thing, but where this appeared to be heading was another story.

Riku held out his hand and wiggled his fingers, asking me to give him my own hand. Tentatively, I did, and he brought it to his knee. "You had me make a choice with three options. What I did end up doing wasn't expected, so you gave me another choice with two options. One old, one new." He led my hand higher, up over the leg of his boxers until I reached his crotch. He made me outline the bulge in his trunks, closing my hand around it. I understood what he wanted me to do, and I considered saying no. Wrapped up in my own uncertainty, I didn't notice I had started stroking Riku's boxers until I heard him let out a pleasured moan.

Rocking his hips softly in time to my ministrations for some time without any additional comment, the teen's eyes shut. His head was thrown back as he groaned desperately. "I won't choose to lose you."

I was inexperienced in pleasuring others, but as with my kissing, Riku didn't notice. Giving him this kind of erotic satisfaction both subdued and gratified my own sexual longing. The hand that had previously led me was now fisted against the wall, supporting him. I slipped into his boxers without invitation, grabbing his stiffening flesh and pumping it at a speed quicker than what I had been doing with a layer of cloth between us. He visibly crumpled. I thought he was going to fall over on me. He mumbled a curse, and I could see his legs shaking slightly. My face was hot with an excited blush.

I was willing to continue until he was finished, but as soon as his erection was noticeable but not yet pained for release, Riku removed my hand. I was about to resist but he simply shook his head and got on his knees in front of me. His lips found mine for a moment. I heard and felt my zipper being pulled down. His fingers dug into the waistband of my shorts and yanked at them so hard that he managed to get them off and force me into a sitting position without breaking our kiss.

Riku brought my boxer briefs down just as far as to expose my manhood. Pulling the ponytail out of my hair, he tied back his own silvery strands, which made him look extremely feminine. He smirked seductively as he leaned down. He kissed my chest as he lowered, each contact searing my skin. He stopped once he reached the edge of my pelvis. Pushing his bangs out of his face, Riku's rough lips surrounded the tip of my penis. He sucked timidly, waiting for encouragement. I moaned for him. Hearing me, Riku took me entirely into his mouth, something I definitely was not expecting him to do. My thighs closed the boy's head within its tight muscles. As I called out his name, I forced myself further into his throat, but he had yet to gag. He held my hips down; not so he could keep me from accidentally sliding too deep but so that he could maintain control. The tongue that had so curiously tested my mouth ran the length of my penis. He waited until I was comfortable with the saliva-moist cavern that was his mouth to continue. Bobbing his mouth rapidly up and down most of my cock, he was gifted with several more of my spurts of vocal expression.

My eyes, clouding over with ecstatic delirium, lazily looked down to my partner. The moonlight flooding in through the ceiling was changing but still stubbornly pale, as if the day was willing to wait for us to finish instead of daring to interrupt. Riku's hair, as well as the flesh on his shoulders, glistened eerily. Actually, the light had a similar effect on all of his fair skin. Despite my excitement, I could still make out, and even feel, the many scars that riddled his body. I ignored them for the time being, focusing on the way his silky hair shook with every movement.

Riku had slowed down, so his ponytail had stopped bouncing against his neck as it did before. I touched the hand now at the base of my manhood before tucking his erratic bangs behind his ears. He loosened his hold on my hips, allowing me to rise into his mouth as I desired. And though I was more than satisfied with the oral excitement Riku was giving me, I wanted more. We had gone so far already, and maybe Riku wouldn't mind going even further. I gently pushed his head away, tilting it so our eyes met, the lust in mine mirroring the lust in his.

He shyly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, looking what I took as ashamed of his excitement from pleasuring me. "Did I do something wrong?" He was genuinely concerned about not being good enough! I laughed softly, pressing my lips to his again. The kiss tasted much different than before and I would have pulled away out of surprise had it not been for Riku's passionate mouth tempting me to persist.

My hands wandered down his back to the edge of his boxers, shoving the elastic band lower and lower until they were at his knees and could go no farther in his position. Riku's body stiffened and his cheeks blushed against mine.

Our lips parted and my eyes locked with his. "How far do you want me to take this?"

"As far as you want."

There was no denying the sudden mortification that ran through my friend's features upon hearing my answer. "That's quite a request, Sora." Was he disgusted that I wanted more than he was willing to give me? I shouldn't have said anything. My erection was more than noticeable and was already desperate for his touch, and Riku probably would have either finished soon or teased me for as long as possible. I ruined it.

His mouth tested several words that never made it out. When he took the band out his hair, I felt thoroughly defeated. He shifted away from me, towards his clothes. My eyes accidentally glanced his way and because he had yet to pull his boxers back up, I could see his entire front. (By the way: Wow. Seriously, _wow_.)

As he grabbed his pants, I tried to stand, but I realized how lightheaded I felt and how draining my hard-on was. Since I scared away Riku, I was left with one choice to dealing with my problem. Oh, man, this was getting worse and worse by the second. Before I could even do anything, Riku said, more somber than I would have ever expected, "Don't even think about it." Maybe he didn't know exactly what I had been planning, but I sensed the threat in his voice and decided against resisting his order.

He was searching through his side pocket, his expression blank and detached. A pocketknife, a small container of salt, a short toothbrush, and a travel-sized bottle of elixir tumbled out as he retrieved what he had been searching for: a rosy bottle that was near empty of the liquid it held.

"Well, Sora?" He snapped, "Are you just going to gawk at me for the rest of the night?" He was so cold. I did something terribly wrong by asking for more. This was all wrong! Whatever made Riku bring us to where we had been, with his head between my legs giving me more pleasure than I thought possible, was not going to motivate him further. I should have realized that. I desired too much! I knew I was going to fail him.

"Riku, don't be upset," I pleaded, crawling over to him. I embraced my friend, his stiffness pressing against my lower stomach. He began protesting but must have thought better of it. I dug my chin into his shoulder, whispering into his ear, "I'm sorry. Please, forget I said anything. Don't be upset with me. I—I… Let's go back. Back five minutes. Back to yesterday. Back a year." Kiss. "Back three." Kiss. "Back." Kiss. "Back." Kiss. "Back…" Kiss, with my tongue entering his mouth.

Did I honestly just say that? Hadn't I just denied the possibility of returning to the past? But, more than anything, I wanted to just… go back. "Please." Desperate for the touch of one another, we kissed with a fervor that drew my breath away, only to receive Riku's breath in return.

He laid me down, taking off his boxers and placing them under me so that when he removed my undergarment, my ass was on the boxers rather than the floor. Opening the pink bottle, he gently brought my leg over his shoulder and poured the liquid on my entrance and on his fingers. I convulsed as Riku slipped his slim digits into me, one by one until there were three, and he cooed how hot it made him to feel me so tight. And even as Riku coated his own length with the lubricant, we swayed absently to compensate the barrenness we both felt, confiding our anguish fully only to the other's kiss.

Riku, without any sort of warning or endearment, inserted himself into me. I cried out in pain and awkwardness, which I still felt in great amounts despite Riku's preparations. I imagined how he tore me as he picked up his pace after an excruciatingly slow five minutes of him carefully moving into me. I lost all sense of time and reality as I squirmed delightedly underneath him, moaning only when I felt an exceptional high or as a reply to his call. Using the leg draped over his shoulder, I dragged him closer to me. I cried out in pain because of my action, but continued anyway. Understanding what I needed, he repositioned us so that he hung above me, my legs around his chest and his lips everywhere within reach. Once I caught onto his pattern, I moved sensually with him, causing a startling increase of moans on his side. He bellowed my name again and again and again, his calls intensifying each time. He quickened and strengthened his thrusts, digging his fingers into my thigh. "Sora! Ssooraaa—Ah!"

I screamed as a smolderingly hot liquid filled me. Riku collapsed onto me, his breathing labored. He managed to gather enough energy to still rock into me. His coming was such an alteration that I actually gagged at my own bliss. He combed my sweaty bangs out of my face, his eyes dull with satisfaction. Grabbing my engorged flesh, the teen pumped it with a near violent aggression, his tenderness only evident in the caress of his breath on my chest. I could not tell when I came into his hand. One moment I was arching into his thrusts and the next I was withering beneath Riku, whimpering his name.

He lay on top of me, catching his breath, wiping his hand on his boxers still under me. Despite the fact that we had both climaxed and I couldn't possibly bear another round, Riku still exited and entered me as he had been doing. The original gusto was lost, but I didn't want him to stop. To stop meant separation and I loved Riku so much…

There came a time when even this was too much and I was forced to tell him. I paled as he finally removed himself without a quick return. My legs went limp and they slid off Riku's waist.

His nose outlined my jaw before he kissed me once more. The odd thing was that this kiss never seemed to end. Every time one was about to pull away, the other wouldn't allow him. There were intervals (I was positive that some were over ten minutes long) when we would just breathe into the other's mouth. I would have been happy with this, but as always, something had to happen. The something now was the distinct chirp of birds. The light had been getting brighter, but for some reason I had expected that sunlight wouldn't come, that night would be forever. We ignored it for as long as we could in hope of its ending. Unfortunately, the noise only increased in volume.

With one last lick around my mouth, Riku mumbled, "I think I should be getting you home."

Sitting up, Riku dutifully used his boxers to clean up most of our orgasms. I noticed several patches of blood on the cloth. He saw them as well, or had expected it, because he reached over and picked up the elixir bottle. Following a similar procedure as earlier, he applied the healing liquid inside me before doing the same to my hands, the cuts from weeding the cave's entrance smarting. Riku assisted me in putting on my briefs and shorts. (He put the elixir into my pocket, seeing that one application would only amount to temporary relief in my situation.) Seeing how soiled his boxers had become, he pocketed them and the things he had dropped earlier, slipping on only his pants and his black vest/zippered tank top…thing.

"I need you to sit up so I can get your shirt on." He brushed several strands out of my eyes. A queer expression crossed his face. "Can you?"

I didn't even try. I rolled over onto my side. The pain that shot up my spine did hurt, a lot, but I ignored it. I had felt worse. I couldn't really recall any particular time at the moment, but there had to be at least one. "Lie down next to me, Riku. I'm—I'm tired. Kairi isn't waiting up for us and I think my mom would rather have me come home late and refreshed than on time and exhausted."

He mumbled something, unzipping his top. He flopped down about a foot away from me.

"Riku, don't make me beg."

He didn't ask for clarification. He moved closer to me until he was spooning me within the curve of his entire body. "Is that better?" He was trying to be sarcastic, but the teen sounded too worn out and comfortable. Riku's heartbeat bah-bumped against my back, the pace relaxing until I knew he was also on the verge of sleep.

Three and a half years, I remembered hazily as I felt his yawn against my neck. I searched for him for so long, and I finally found him. Three and a half years of searching for him and wanting to see him and of waiting to be with him… and I lose my virginity to him, the man I would always love unrequitedly, in a one-night stand the first day back on the dirt floor of a dark cave.

Exhaustion edging up on the both of us, Riku placed his hand on my hip in a slightly possessive manner and I couldn't help but ask myself before falling asleep, _What did I just do?_

* * *

I awoke about midday without a single disturbance to my resting state. It seemed almost as if I had closed my eyes for one moment and the world jumped ahead several hours. I had complete awareness of my current situation, made more evident by the foreign leg that had sneaked between my own and the heavy hand that still held my hip. Riku's hot breath ran a chill down my spine.

The memories of what we had done rushed me, creating sensations that I would never be able to fully describe except that they overwhelmed me. My hands shook remembering how they touched him, my lips tingled remembering how they kissed him, my body trembled remembering how it moved with him, and my heart… ached deeper than I had ever expected it to.

Just thinking about the situation I had gotten myself into appalled me. What had I done… to Riku, to myself?

Despite the comfort I felt as I laid next to my friend, I forced myself to sit up. His slim form had fit into my own with near perfection and it felt good. If he was my boyfriend, my lover, or even a stranger that I happened to have sex with, I would have stayed in his arms. But… he was none of those things. He was, and would always be, my best friend.

I felt unbelievably stiff and there was no doubt why I was sore. I brushed bits of dirt off my shoulders and back and shook my hair out for the same purpose. I sat against Riku's stomach, wondering if I should wake him up. Still asleep, he looked more at peace than I had seen him since we reunited. Disturbing him seemed wrong.

Now that there was sunlight and I wasn't distracted by our actions, I could fully see the body I had slept with. He definitely had physically matured during our separation. His cheeks had become firm and the edge of his jaw had sharpened. Even the shape of his eyes had changed. I looked further down to his chest. Scars littered the expanse of his torso. I could tell he should have been much more muscular than he actually was but as with most adventurers, sparsely eating and traveler's exhaustion caused him to have a slightly starved appearance. A nasty bruise ran horizontally across his side. His bandaged arm lay over his chest. I didn't know whether the wound he was hiding was open, so I didn't dare touch it.

I leaned back to examine his back. The scarred flesh, still bruised in several places, was absolutely breathtaking. The raised stripes of skin varied in how much they had faded. The main factor determining this was how the injury was initially treated, and by my guess most were not treated very well at all. (I had scars, but under the care of Donald's expert hands, they were not nearly as wretched as Riku's.) With a strong sense of yearning, I traced a series of fairly recent scars framing his right shoulder blade where it seemed some large beast had bit him. It looked as if it had been infected. It must have been weeks until he was able to wield his weapon properly again. Thankfully, he didn't stir, even as I bent down and followed the curve of elevated flesh with my lips.

I watched over him silently for about a half hour. He woke up effortlessly and just as lucid as I was. He licked his lips once over, stopping at the corner of his lips. A maroon bruise tinged his lips, caused by me biting and sucking on one spot for so long. Sighing deeply, he pushed himself up to join me in my sitting position. Wiping his eyes with his knuckles, his voice was raspy as he asked, "How long have you been awake?" I lied, telling him it had been only a few minutes. He nodded, looking anywhere but at me. "Can I bring you home now?"

Without dignifying him with a response, I grabbed and put on my shirt. I went to get up, forgetting about the discomfort I would feel. A second later, I keeled over, gasping.

Riku didn't mention this in a snide comment or offer me help as I had been grudgingly expecting. Instead, he told me to be more careful; even he was sore and he wasn't the one receiving. Take my time, he said. I probably had to apply more elixir. He would wait outside for as long as I needed.

Taking my silence as agreement, he smiled warmly and pushed his hand through my hair, standing. Turning around, he headed for the tunnel, his steps less graceful than the day before. His impeccable kindness hurt me more than he even knew. He understood what I did and did not want, and he wanted to keep his friend satisfied. He was willing to sleep with me if only just to keep me as his friend.

As I saw him crouch down so that he could fit through the tunnel, I said his name. He looked back and I knew my lips moved and sound escaped. However, I didn't know whether what came out was "Thank you," as I had intended to say, or "I'm so sorry."

* * *

Author's Note: Man, was that fun or what! And I know I might sound like a total sadist, but I think one of my favorite lines in this fiction is: "Three and a half years of searching for him (Blah, blah) and I lose my virginity to him, the man I would always love unrequitedly, in a one-night stand the first day back on the dirt floor of a dark cave." It makes me laugh every time I read it. (Does that make me evil or something?)


	3. Stars Fading but I Linger on You

Author's Note: Well, I just hope you make it to the end of the chapter without wanting to hunt me down with the blunt edge of a keyblade. (I always thought that the keyblade was a bit ridiculous. Leave it to Disney to round out the edge of a _sword_. Utter ridiculousness.)

* * *

Stars Fading but I Linger on You

* * *

It's always the smell of the water that made me wish I told Riku that I was busy and was unable to spend an extra hour after school waiting for him. Although homework could be done sitting on the uncomfortable, wooden benches at the side of the indoor pool, I never could finish a single set of math problems. The smell was so pungent that the numbers, theorems, radicals and circles on the page became foggy and twisted. Even if I never touched the water, the stench of a pool stayed with me for a full thirty minutes after I left its vicinity. Gross.

But every time Riku asked, I honestly answered that I would love to accompany him. Riku truly appreciated any time I spent with him and I did as well, so gagging on the disgusting stench of chlorine was always worth it in the end.

Besides, when else could I see Riku in his swimming uniform? At meets? Yeah, like I was going to wait for one of those to come around. (Okay, so he wore a top with sleeves reached down to his wrist… but they were _skintight_. And the "trunks" were nothing more than a Speedo with a bit more material. It's quite a wonderful sight, if I do say so myself.)

So, instead of using my precious time productively to study the two years of schooling I still had to catch up on, my books were forgotten as I watched Riku swim back and forth again and again and again. His timing was absolutely amazing and his strokes beautiful. He was already one of the best in his sport that the school had ever had. Having been to a small competition with our sister school from a neighboring island, Besaid, I learned that Riku was also fan favorite. He even had some of the Besaid girls rooting for him.

He was that good.

I followed his movements as he reached the shallow end of the pool. When he reached the edge, I expected him to turn around and start a new lap. However, he lingered and I saw him stand up. He pushed himself up and sat on the edge. Still hearing splashing, I realized then that there were two women in the pool. How long have they been here?

Riku walked over to me without even bothering to shake out some of the water soaking him. Before he could get too close, I waggled my finger threateningly, "If you dare wet me like last time, you're dead."

He laughed, raising his hands in defeat. "You caught me."

I shook my head, tossing him his towel. "I think you're getting better," I said offhandedly, gathering my stuff as he wiped his face.

"Really?" We began walking toward the men's locker room.

"Yup."

He laughed again. "Wakka and Tidus are jealous as is. If I plan to live until I'm eighteen, I probably should start getting worse, not better."

I inwardly shook my head at his comment. According to the time that existed for only him and me, Riku would have already turned nineteen. Our parents, the mayor (the man who took Kairi in years ago), and the school officials decided it would be easier for us if Riku and I… forgot about the difference in years. The two of us never talked about it. Instead, the whole age thing was addressed only through jokes.

"Funny. But you have to remember that it's not your fault you're better than them." Although we both recognized how cruel I may have sounded, it was universally understood that since Tidus and Wakka were our friends, we could say anything we wanted to behind their back. We weren't being malicious; just honest.

"I know. But you have to feel a little bad. They've been on the team since last year and are only chosen to swim in a race when one of the seniors is sick. I've been on it for three months and the coach is planning to put me in every competitive event he possibly can."

"I guess." We stopped in front of the locker rooms. Looking in, I groaned. I was just as disgusted with them as I was with pool water. "You know what? I think I'm going wait for you in the lobby." He nodded before entering the room. I remained for a second before leaving the pool area and climbing up a flight of stairs to the school's lobby. I sat down in an alcove, still not bothering to crack open a book.

On top of the mandatory catching up we had left after spending the entire summer studying, Riku and I were both on sports teams. During P.E., the gym teacher realized how athletic we had become and convinced the principle to force us into the school's competitive teams. (We couldn't say no, seeing that the school had been so helpful and it hadn't won at any sporting event in years.)

With my jump so high, run so quick and strides so long it sometimes seemed like I was gliding, track was a no-brainer for me.

Riku, on the other hand, had gotten sick of running over the course of his adventure and would do anything to avoid it. He wasn't built big enough for football, and he sucked at baseball, basketball and volleyball. Wrestling and fencing had too many rules for someone who had learned hand-to-hand combat and sword-fighting the way we did. There was too much running in soccer, and tennis… he didn't want to. He claimed that there were only freaks on the school tennis team and being around them would drive him nuts.

In the end, I knew what he really wanted to do, and that was swimming. However, the skimpy trunks that made up the official uniform covered only so much; his entire back, chest and arms would be exposed, which he was extremely uncomfortable with. I was with Riku as he explained his situation to the swim coach. She said she would allow Riku to wear a sort of tank top, one that would have a small effect on his swimming but at least offered some coverage. He held up his bandaged left arm at that point, saying that a tank top would do little for him. Riku promised that whatever the cost of wearing a long-sleeved top would be, he would take it. The coach was compassionate and, against regulation, let him wear what he wanted. That's partly why he had to practice so hard, to make up for the shirt.

I sighed.

Life had become so overwhelming. I had to practice and study obsessively, while still having some time to enjoy being a teenager. The whole 'hanging out with friends' thing was actually the most difficult to get used to. Life had become too peaceful, too safe… so much so that it sometimes scared me. If I didn't have the pressure of the courses I still had to study for and of shaving another few seconds off my average run, I don't know what I would do.

On the few days that I had extra time and not enough of my friends were willing to hang out, I would call Riku and ask him if we could meet up. He always would. We actually didn't do anything more interesting than if we had been alone ever since sparring was deemed unwise for us to do. (The one time we did, our parents were frantic about just how badly we had beaten each other up. Good times.) But I still loved his company. It was always… nice. We would just play videogames, watch a movie, or help each other study. When the mood was right, we would just lean up each other quietly reading—or pretending to read—a book. Oftentimes, we discussed some of our most memorable battles with great nostalgia and complained about how an adventure was five percent sleeping, nine percent fighting, nine percent talking, and seventy-seven percent walking. He really was a great best friend.

I still dreamt about him, and I still desired him; but it was different now. Having him around subdued my desperation. I remembered that single night we spent together and wished for another, but the loneliness I had felt prior to our reunion was lost. My feelings for him had changed, I'll admit. It was hard to explain just how or why. They just were. I still loved him with all my heart and I wanted to be with him just as much—

"Are you ready, Sora?"

I jumped at Riku's voice, feeling a bit self-conscious. Used to being interrupted during my thoughts, I held out my hand without any obvious sign that I was troubled. Riku helped me up, muttering how lazy I was. He already had his jacket on, so we stood by the entrance until I had mine on. "What did you say? I didn't quite hear that."

He looked over at me smugly. "I said that you're ugly."

Knowing just where this conversation was going, I decided to be compliant and play along. I held my chest in mock hurt, pushing the door open for us. The end of autumn air nipped at my nose the second it touched my skin. "What! How dare you! How cruel of you to say after I spent an hour and a half this morning getting myself all pretty for you. Is this how you repay me?" We turned right, in the direction of our houses.

My companion rolled his eyes. "I can't believe I'm friends with such a freak."

"You should be used to it by now."

Riku pushed me half-way into the street. "You forced your friendship onto me."

Making a face, I steadied myself and retaliated by punching his arm, lightly, of course. "And how did I do that?"

"You moved in next door."

"I was two."

"Doesn't change the fact that you moved in next door to me."

"You moved into your house just four months before we came!"

"Meaning I was there first. And for four marvelous months, I didn't have to have a Sora to constantly nag me."

I ran my hand through my hair. "Fine. Be that way. If I knew what a bother you would become, I would have gotten someone else to be my best friend."

Riku slung his eternally bandaged arm around my shoulder, pressing his weight down onto me. I could smell the cleanliness of his body. Riku always took the time to make sure he washed away any trace of the pool water so I wouldn't have to suffer standing next to him. He always noticed the littlest things. "You don't mean that."

I squirmed slightly as his breath curled around my ear. It still made me antsy to have to him so close to me, despite the months I had to have gotten used to it. Staring ahead, I tried to control the possible blush that wanted to creep up my face. He continued to exhale hot air into the side of my face as he waited for a response. "Get off of me, you pasty gorilla."

He gasped exaggeratedly, copying my mannerisms from just moments before. "I'm pasty now? I'm hurt, Sora. Hurt. How could you be so cruel as to make fun of my naturally pale complexion?" Something about the absurdity of him saying this made it sound five times more vindictive than when I did it. "And to top it off, you call me a gorilla. It's not my fault that I'm twice as tall as you."

"Shut up! You're only a couple inches taller than me."

"Oh, yes, you had that massive growth spurt during the summer. Well, at least you're noticeably taller than Kairi now, finally, even without counting the hair."

"I'm going to kick you."

He pulled in closer. "And now you're threatening violence on me. What would your mother say hearing such vulgarity from your mouth?"

"She would cheer me on as I beat you to a bloody pulp."

"Is that a challenge I hear?"

"Yup, and I have no doubt that I will win. I'll always win." He snickered at my declaration but said nothing more on the subject, finally dropping his arm from my shoulder.

The rest of the walk was a bit mellower. We talked about the social studies test the following week and about how lazy some of our teammates, who had stopped practicing because the weather was getting chilly, were. We took our time because we didn't have homework due the next day, a special and rare treat. Riku came up to my front door, waiting for me to get inside before crossing the lawn to his house.

I heard some movement in the kitchen as well as the blaring television in the living room. Knowing that my mother worked today, the person in the kitchen must have been my father. And knowing that my father hated it when I went into the kitchen as he was cooking (he's a bit of a freak), I went straight into the living room.

A petite, two-year old brunet was positioned about a foot away from the television. Shaking my head, I said, "You shouldn't sit so close to the TV, Shelinda."

Shelinda swung around in a burst of energy. "Sora's home! Daddy, Sora's home!" The little girl previously sitting cross-legged on the floor scrambled over to me, jumping on me the second she was near enough. I easily lifted her. She giggled and instantly began wiggling in an attempt to escape.

"How's your day, kiddo?"

The girl pouted, continuing to struggle against my grip. "No!"

"No?" She shook her head, repeating herself. "Really?"

I straightened my arms, holding her away from me. I slowly swung her side to side. Shelinda squeaked, rolling her small body into a ball. She was still light enough for me to hold her like this, thankfully. This was all I knew how to do with a child her age.

"You've been home for thirty seconds and you're already bothering your sister. Is this what happens when I turn my back for just a moment?"

I rolled my eyes and put Shelinda down. She complained, but I would rather not tempt the dark-haired man who had walked into the living room with further opportunities of ridicule. My father, who seemed like a pretty ordinary guy judging by his plain looks, was really random—actually, he was just eccentric. My mother said I was just like him. I said that Riku's little spurts of viciousness perfectly matched my father's… but that's just me.

I couldn't remember if he always acted like this, or whether he and my mother always worked alternatively, or if my father had ever cooked when I was young. And I certainly didn't have a sister when I left the island. Though it may seem like a handful of changes, these were but a few of the many things I had to get used to. Did I mention that there was a new mall? A mall on Destiny Islands! It's sick.

"Hey, Dad," I said. Shelinda, seeing that she wouldn't be picked up again, turned around and went back to watching the television, this time with a reasonable distance from the set.

"Dinner will be ready soon, so I suggest waiting here until it's done. Mom's going to be coming home late, but she said we can start without her." Translation: Sit down because I don't want you falling asleep on me, again. Your mother said that she will be late, but I'm hungry now, so let's eat.

"Okay." I sat down on the couch, dropping my bag beside my feet.

Finally looking at the television, I realized my sister was watching some cheesy, animated children's movie. The princess—because in these movies there is always a princess—was singing about how some handsome prince—because we're all politically correct here and a princess can't possibly want a princess—was going to save her from the evil curse set upon her. After the adventure was done, she prophesized, they would marry.

Shelinda loved it all. She loved the hidden beauty behind the princess' plain looks, knowing that when she met the prince, everything would change, that she would become gorgeous. She loved how idealized the artists had depicted the prince, with his air-blown, shining-in-the-sun blond hair. She loved the unoriginal plot that only supplied obstacles that the prince could easily overcome.

She loved the overly confident nature of the woman's song, how the princess seemed to know what was waiting for her.

She loved the fact that there was only the one, unjustifiable evil holding the two lovers apart.

She loved how much the princess loved the prince.

And above all else, she loved knowing that the prince loved the princess _back_.

"Sora, son, are you alright?" My eyes snapped back into focus. My father stood in front of me with a phone in hand, worry spread across his face. The princess had stopped singing, and it looked like the plot was finally beginning to advance with a speech from the villain.

I pressed my palm to my forehead. "Oh, sorry there. I was drifting off again, wasn't I?"

My father frowned. "Sora."

I hated making my parents worry, especially my father. He was hypersensitive to this kind of stuff. My eyes glanced back to the object he held. "Who's on the phone?"

"Kairi, but that's not the point, Sora," he answered, slightly disgruntled. "We both know you weren't just 'drifting off.' You can't keep everything bottled up like this. You may think we won't understand, but you have to at least let us try," he started. I knew what was coming, and I knew that there was a chance that Kairi could hear.

Trying my best not to offend my father, I took the phone and stood up. He made a face and opened his lips. I didn't need a confrontation now, not in front of Shelinda and not with Kairi on the line. I held the phone to my ear and could hear music playing softly in the background. Not looking at my father, I sheepishly said, "I'll just take this upstairs. I'll come down when I'm done, 'kay?"

Without waiting for a response, I scampered up to my room, locking the door behind me. I sighed, dropping down on my bed. "Kairi?" There was still plenty of light outside, so I could clearly see the play island. I could also see several boats docked there, meaning that some of my friends decided to use the fact that we didn't have homework to their advantage.

"Hey. Look, I'm sorry if I started something between you and your dad. If I knew, I wouldn't have…" Kairi rambled. I rolled my eyes, kicking my shoes off.

"It's fine, Kairi. You weren't the one spacing out."

"I guess."

"Well, what do you want?"

"Ehh," She whined. "No homework mean boring night. Me no want boredom. Boredom eat mind of Kairi."

"Does no homework also mean horrible sentence structure?"

Grunt.

"I see. That would be bad. So what do you propose we do?"

"I don't know. We could call Riku and hang out."

"Uncreative plan, but a plan. Who's calling him?"

"You are."

"Fine. I'll call you back in a few."

"Bye."

She hung up, and without a pause I dialed Riku's home number. I swung my feet back and forth as monotonous beeps came from the phone. This was routine for us. One person was bored, called someone, and then the second person usually was the one to call the third.

"Hello," I heard a feminine voice say. Riku's mom.

"Good afternoon, ma'am. May I speak to Riku?"

"Oh, dear." The unusual hesitation in her voice alarmed me.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, of course not. Riku just isn't here right now. He went out with a friend."

A friend? "That's odd. He usually calls me before leaving, especially when he knows I have nothing to do," I thought aloud. "Whatever the case, thank you for telling me. I'm going to try his cell."

I had barely finished my sentence when her voice cut through the line, "Don't."

I sat up slowly, almost hearing the woman's regret at her interjection. "Excuse me?"

Riku's mother mumbled something to herself for a moment until she finally answered. "You know that you mean very much to me. I love you as much as I do my own son. And I know your parents feel the same about Riku. We care about you both, and would never choose to do anything to upset your friendship. So please, as a favor to me, don't call my son."

Something about this just didn't seem… right. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.

What is Riku doing that would put our friendship in danger?"

"Please, dear. This does not concern you."

I cringed at her cold response. Where have I heard that before? "But it does. I'm his best friend," I spat. "I want to know."

"Sora, there comes a time when you just have to accept what's given to you. I think I told you enough."

"But it's not enough!" I was going to hate myself later for letting my temper flare up like this. "He's hiding something from me again, isn't he? Doesn't he understand that I hate being left in the dark like this? I can't stand not knowing what's going on with him. I had to worry about him for three and half years, not being sure if he was alive or not, just to have him keep all these secrets from me!" My voice was breaking. "How is that fair? How?"

She didn't respond immediately. I tried to regulate my breathing so that I didn't sound so pissed off, but it was nearly impossible. Why was this so difficult? It wasn't like anything I told Riku's mom wasn't true, but it wasn't right to take it out on his mother like that.

"Hello? Have you calmed down yet?"

I put my face in my palm, muttering, "Yes."

"Okay," she paused and inhaled deeply. "I am sorry for talking down to you before. It was wrong of me. I forget that, like Riku, you are not only older, but also much more mature, than you look. I should never have spoken to you like you're a child. I have to keep reminding myself that you are an adult, and not that little boy who used to come over every Saturday morning to watch cartoons with Riku." I tried to thank her, but she continued without a break. "I should respect you, and expect as much out of you, as I would an adult. And because of this, I shouldn't feel the need to hold things back from you. You are old enough to react as you wish. And you do deserve to know what's going on with your best friend. You have been through enough. (Oh, dear, this is harder than I thought it would be.) I won't try to sugarcoat it, because I know that's not what you want."

She stopped again, and I took the chance to input my own opinion. "I—I don't want you to feel obligated to do anything for me. I shouldn't have blown up at you."

"No, Sora. You shouldn't have to feel guilty when you're concerned about a friend. I simply won't allow it," she said, inhaling once again to prepare herself for what she was about to say. "Over the summer, Riku began seeing someone."—No.—"Even before the school suggested that he join the swimming team, Riku often went to the pool to practice. He was always such a good swimmer. Well, from what I can make out of it, that was where he met… where Riku met him."

No.

"Him?"

My eyes lost all focus. My phone was pressed up against my ear, sweat building up around where the plastic touched my skin. She continued, unaware of the pain she was causing me with her use of a single pronoun.

No.

I couldn't breathe.

No.

He… couldn't have.

Oh, please, no.

It took several moments for me to force my attention back to her. "…you. So don't judge him, Sora. Please, of all things, you must not judge him on that. He's so afraid of what you'll say; what you'll do to him when you find out. I'm only telling you because I think you can handle yourself maturely. A—Sora, are you there?"

Licking my lips, I responded, "Yeah, I'm still here. So Riku met a—a boy there? The boy he's with… now?"

"Yes. I found out part way through September. Your King Mickey told me it was nearly impossible to restrain Riku's freedom like a parent should with their child. Riku was used to extreme independence, and it was too late to change him. So, I didn't question my son when he left late, or when he spent the entire night out. But eventually I became concerned. It was one thing to raise a child with a lot of freedom, and another thing entirely to raise a reckless party animal. So, I sat him down and asked him what he had been doing, and he told me. He had been going out with a boy who was visiting the island for the summer. Luzzu (I think that was his name) is on the Besaid Aurochs, that team Riku once raced against. Riku said he liked the boy and whenever he went off, he was with Luzzu. I met him once. Sweet boy."

"You—you said that he didn't come home some nights. He was with Luzzu even then?"

I heard her pitying sigh through the phone. "Look, Sora. Although you may not, I understand that Riku is mature enough to make his own decisions. From what that King fellow of yours said to my husband and I, we did expect Riku to develop physical relationships. We were shocked it was so soon, and we were expecting him to be with a girl… but after everything, Riku is still Riku. We have accepted him. And I ask, and hope, for you to do the same, Sora."

I closed my eyes, praying that my voice held even. "I understand."

"I won't tell Riku about this. If you want, you can approach him later, but please, remember what I said. I don't want him hurt. He doesn't deserve any more pain than what he has already gone through."

"Okay."

"Sora, you sound so upset. Maybe—maybe you should talk about this with Riku as soon as possible. I could call you when he comes back."

"And if he doesn't return tonight?"

She paused. "Do you want to come over and talk more about this, Sora? You really do sound upset."

"No, thank you. I actually have to go. Dinner is almost ready and I still need to… help out and stuff. I'll talk to Riku tomorrow."

"I see. Well, see you soon, Sora. I really do hope this all works out."

"Bye."

"Goodbye."

I hung up on the woman. For a moment, I was as still as the phone in my hands. My toes prickling from numbness, a sharp jab to my heart caused my breathing to become erratic. Emotion washed over me, but I managed bite back my tears. I could have my father catch me spacing out, but crying? The light from the window suddenly became too bright. I reached over and yanked the midnight blue drapes closed. How could this be? How could Riku have some stranger be his… lover after what we had been through? Maybe he kept this Luzzu a secret because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. But—Ring!

I jumped at having the phone—Ring!—now in my lap go off so suddenly. I guessed—Ring!—that it was Kairi, and decided that it was best—Ring!—to answer than have my father pick up the other line—Ring! "Hello?"

"Are you honestly still talking to Riku? You guys are ridiculous. So, where are we meeting, or did you not get to that part during your brilliant conversation?"

I pushed my hand through my hair, hoping I could keep my voice steady for just a couple of moments. "About that: According to his mom, Riku's with a friend from a rival swim team, so he can't come."

"You serious? Doesn't he know any better than to hang out with friends other than us? Whatever, that just means more fun for me and you. What can we do that is so amazing Riku will be jealous of how much fun we had without him?"

"You know what? I am just not in the mood anymore. Between studying and running, I haven't been having much family time these days, and Shelinda needs her older brother."

"Uh, you're such a liar. You spend plenty of time with that adorable, little girl. But I get the point. Sora wants more bonding time with his sister. I get it, I get it. I guess I'll go find something to do, by myself, without my friends. You suck."

"See you tomorrow, Kairi."

"Tomorrow, then. Love you." She hung up.

I waited a few minutes before putting the phone down next to me. A deep sense of rejection devoured me as I thought of Riku. He was willing to go to Besaid (a 35-minute ride by boat) to see a boy—No, not a boy, his boyfriend. Riku must have realized that I was not up to his standards, so he went elsewhere.

But he wouldn't do that to me! There wasn't enough time between when Riku would have gotten with this other boy… and the night I spent with him. He wouldn't go behind my back knowing I loved him. No, that's definitely something he would never do to me. He cared about me too much. Riku would have told me something; anything. I'm his best friend. I slept with him. He would have told me.

But his mother wouldn't lie about something so important.

I could do little to suppress the pain in my heart, and even less to reign in my insecurity. I mean, I didn't even need to see the guy to know that Luzzu was extremely attractive and probably as lean and tall as most swimmers are. He wasn't a klutz, or an idiot, or an annoying tag-along. When they were alone, Luzzu was sensual and sexual and passionate and experienced…

Of course Riku would want someone like him. Riku needed someone who wasn't as broken as I was. Someone who didn't remind him of all the wrong he had done and had done to him. I… I…

Everything around me suddenly felt empty and disconnected. The toys I left behind years ago, the miniature boat hanging over my bed, the multi-colored photo frames encasing memories that I could either no longer remember or care about… all seemed more surreal than they had ever before. I had been ignoring my room for months, just going in it to talk on the phone or sleep. I didn't even use my computer anymore; I went to the living room to type up homework with the oldest computer in the house. It wasn't my room anymore. This wasn't my life. This was the life of a boy who never had the fate of everything he held dear in his hands, who never had to sacrifice everything, who never had the friends whom he trusted with his very soul abandon him, who never felt like his world was slowly disappearing with every step he took. This was the life of a boy who never had killed, never experienced true gore, and who never thought about suicide.

The serenity of this world caged me. I had no mobility, no freedom. For the last few months, Kairi and Riku were the only things holding me to this world, this reality, this life. I would never have been able to cope without them. We avoided talking about the overwhelming feeling of insignificance Riku and I felt, but when we did, it was obvious I was taking the whole "reintegrating into the community" harder than the other two. Not counting the first year or so when our world had ceased to exist, Kairi was gone for a couple of months, if even that. Riku had thrived in his memories throughout the entire three years, using them as the fuel behind everything he did. All I had of him, the boy whose room I was now in, were only distant memories… sparing, a desire for adventure, a raft, and the ever present sound of crashing waves.

* * *

My sleep, which once had been so deep that nothing could get me out of it, had grown sensitive to any noise. Although excellent when in a dangerous territory, it was nothing short of annoying in a home setting. I would wake up in a startled jolt for anything, from hearing my sister getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom to the muffled sounds of my parents making love (I was so alienated from them that this didn't disturb me nearly as much as it should; I had heard similar things when visiting Cloud and Leon's and would automatically relate what I heard in that world to here). Most of the time, I would wait until I was settled and then nod off back to sleep.

This time, I drifted consciousness. I didn't know exactly when I fell asleep. I had been sitting on my bed, the drapes shutting out the afternoon's slowly dimming sunlight, and then I was on my back, curled into a half-fetal position with a blanket pulled over me. But I knew how I woke up: serenely calm. It was nice, I guess, if I compared the two. My mind was foggy, so I couldn't remember why I hadn't changed out of the clothes I had gone to school in, or anything about the day before for that matter.

I languidly scratched the side of my face. It took me only a few seconds to hear breathing that was not my own. The tranquility I initially felt shattered and I shot up. I knew my shades had been opened by the pale cerulean light shining in. Quickly turning my head toward the source, I froze.

He raised his hand in a brief wave, "Hey."

"Riku?" My friend stood up against my desk in the same clothes he had been wearing that day, his coat hanging over the back of my chair. "How did you get in? The window was closed."

Riku chuckled softly. "Of all the interesting things to say to me," he whispered, "and you ask me that?" He sighed, shaking his head coyly. "I came in through the window. I'm sure you would be able to get in just as easily if you were in my shoes." That was true. "I didn't want anyone knowing I came by." As he spoke, Riku crossed the room and I noticed the small, cardboard cube he held with a single hand. It was pinstriped red and white with baker's thread tied around it. I sat cross-legged to make room for him as he joined me on my bed. He sat with his thigh just far enough so as not to touch my knee.

Tiredly, I pushed a hand through my hair. "How long have you been standing there?"

"I considered waking you up when I first got here; it seemed like you were having a nightmare or something. But you eventually calmed down once I pulled the sheets over you.—Maybe you were cold?—After that, you looked peaceful. It would have broken my heart to wake you." I could have sworn I could feel his giddiness (if it was even that) radiating from him. Creepy.

"Uh… Any particular reason you're here?"

Smiling, obviously pleased with himself, Riku held up his package between us.

"Well, Riku… That's a very nice box. Totally worth getting up after midnight to experience the glory of colored cardboard."

"No, you dimwit," he said playfully. (Seriously, what was going on?) "It's in the box. Man, you're ruining the moment with your unbearable lack of common sense."

Didn't he realize that it was the middle of the night and we had school the next day? What did he expect? Though I could have retorted, I decided that I might as well play along with his silly games. The quicker he's satisfied, the quicker he'll leave. Without bothering to relieve him of his small load, I untangled the thread and opened the flimsy lid. Tilting my head to one side, I took out the item inside.

"It's a cupcake." Hopefully, I didn't sound as disappointed as I felt. The way he was hyping it up, you would have thought it was the answer to the universe or something.

He reached over with a candle that appeared from absolutely nowhere. Sticking it in the center of the cupcake, he retrieved a packet of matches from his pocket. Now I was confused.

"What is this?"

"I thought you might not remember." He toed off his shoes so he could sit cross-legged as well. His legs pressed against mine and he was quite close to me… Ugh, why was he so attractive? "It's your birthday today."

This would have been a really sweet gesture, had it not been for the fact that my birthday was in May. "Riku… My birthday is in a couple of months. Though I appreciate the effort it must have taken," I started.

He cooed in the same, animated voice, "No. No, it's not. We both know that's just some stupid lie we are forced to follow. I don't care about your fake seventeenth birthday in a couple of months. All I know is that today you have officially lived a full eighteen years." I felt a tremendous weight fall onto my chest realizing what he said was true.

He flattened the cardboard box and put it aside, preceding to then smooth out the wrinkles in my sheets as he continued. "I knew you probably would have forgotten, but I thought it would be nice, you know, to celebrate anyway. It would have meant a lot to me if you were the one bringing me baked goods, or, baked good considering I only brought over the one cupcake. I mean, I would understand if you were offended or in any way upset by this but I was really hoping you won't be." He smiled goofily. "And now I'm rambling. Please say something before I make a bigger fool of myself."

"Riku, I don't know what you want me to say. I can't—can't accept this. Why? Why go through all the trouble?"

"Don't worry about it. I mean, I went all the way to Besaid to get the damn cupcake. I spent hours walking around the island and went to about ten bakeries until I found the right one. It's the only bakery I know of that actually uses paopu fruit extract in its frosting. It's supposed to be some of the best frosting ever made, on this world at least. Considering what I had to go through to get it, I think you should eat it and hopefully enjoy."

My head suddenly felt dizzy, like I was struggling to remember or was missing out on something really important. "I just don't understand, Riku. I just don't know…" I sighed. "Why did you do this for me?"

"If I light the candle, would you make a wish?"

"Stop it!" I was so aggravated by his evasive response that the volume of my voice jumped much more than I had intended. Not hearing stirring from any one of my family members, I repeated myself in a low hiss. "Stop it. Don't avoid the question. I'm sick of all that. Why? Why would you do this for me? What were you planning on—why would you go through…" He slammed a fist against my mattress to stop my somewhat incoherent mutterings.

"Isn't it obvious?" He reached out and pressed his left hand underneath my jaw. It was then that I noticed his hands trembling slightly. "Today marks eighteen years of life. Your life." The white bandage encasing his forearm glowed in the direct light. Tired of holding the small gift, I put the cupcake on my windowsill. I'm not sure exactly what he thought I was going to do, but when he saw movement, he impulsively drew nearer to me to the point of practically sitting on me. We hadn't been this close since… "Every second of every minute I survived brought me here tonight. And the same seconds of the same minutes brought you to _this_ bed _this_ night as well. I'm not going to let more than a year, or even a moment, of your life be forgotten just because it might not work for everyone else. Your life means too much to me."

We stood in silence for several moments, him waiting for a response and me just staring. It had been awhile since I'd seen him in moonlight like this. His wispy hair framed his face perfectly, as it always does, but he had swept his bangs away so I could clearly see his glittering, sea green eyes. Sometimes my eyes would lock with his, and I felt my world crumbling around me; other times, they were the only things holding my world together. Now, he was peering down at me so intensely that I couldn't help but feel self-conscious. And as I lost myself in his determined gaze, I was finally able to see past his giddy façade: he was… nervous.

I knew what he meant. I heard his heartbeat (that constant bah-bump, bah-bump), and then my childish ecstasy at him being alive would return. I could almost feel the bah-bump against my skin; his chest was only a few inches away. Maybe if he leaned forward a bit more…

His proximity to me was intoxicating, a toxin I would give anything for and couldn't survive without. I wanted to embrace him, kiss him, allow him to push me against the bed because I didn't have the confidence to lead yet. Hush him when he moaned. Listen to him comment on how clumsily I moved; was I really that inexperienced? Then get defensive and tell him I was sorry, but not everyone could be as skilled as him. Riku would try to kiss me, but I was still bitter. Was Luzzu better than me? He would smile then and press his lips against mine with such intensity that I wouldn't reject him. I could shake my head disapprovingly, but he would begin to sway his hips into mine—

Wait.

And just like that, the light in the room seemed to dim, darkness overtaking the christening moonlight in a second. I felt suffocated, by his warm exhales curling over my skin, by how his glowing eyes would not leave me, by the mere fact that he was in front of me. The disconnection I had with the bedroom that was not mine anymore… flooded me. I felt a jump in my heartbeat. Just a moment for the memory of a single word that I had stupidly, _stupidly_ forgotten as I slept to snap back into my consciousness.

Just.

Like.

That.

"Sora, I know you may not be completely comfortable with me saying this. Even in my head, it sounds too melodramatic. But I truly do care about you. You're my best friend, and, and I don't know what I would do without you…" People tend to separate listening and hearing. That one could listen but not hear. (Or was it the other way 'round?) But I was listening and I was hearing him. But… the hurt, and—and the rejection… It hurt so much…

"Get out of my room, Riku."

I didn't dare drop my eyes. No, that was defeat. That was saying it hurt so much that I couldn't bear to look at him. So I watched as his face churned into confusion and the fear he had been so careful to hide dulled his hopeful eyes.

"What?"

Everything felt stiff: my face, holding back my pain for the moment; my body, muscles tightening in preparation for violence; even my voice, emotionless, as I repeated myself.

His voice was small as he coughed up, "I don't understand. I know I was being a little emotional there, but there's no need to throw me out of your room."

"Before," I began my lie, "you kept saying 'we.' You said that you went to Besaid to get that cupcake and 'we' spent hours walking around, and that it was the only bakery 'we' know that has these special cupcakes… Who were you with, Riku?"

His eyes widened fractionally, his pupils twitching as he tried to recall what he had said. His hesitance betrayed the fact that it was true; he was with someone else. Riku gave off a shaky laugh, suddenly moving away from me. "Don't play around, Sora. I was alone. I wouldn't say anything otherwise."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not—"

"I know about Luzzu."

Just like that.

"…No."

"Get out, Riku."

Pause. "You don't understand."

"I want you out of my room."

"Don't do this to me, Sora. Not like this. Not tonight."

Just like that.

"Get the fuck out of my room, Riku!"

There was such stillness in the room that I thought he had not comprehended the severity of my demand. When a sudden twitching of his hands caught my eye, Riku shuddered, chest collapsing. His face still held the same heavy look of desperation that had darkened his eyes, and his mouth hung vaguely open as if ready to plea once again. His left hand lifted from its perch on his thigh to clasp onto his shirt over his heart. The fabric slipped between his fingers as if he had no strength to latch onto it correctly. "Ow," he whimpered, sucking in air through harsh hiccups. "Even after all that's happened the last few years, you've never said my name with so much…" He shook his head violently, as if that could disguise the tears that rolled down his cheek at an unsteady pace. The volume of his sobbing increasing, the urge to embrace him and beg for forgiveness tempted me. But the thought of him… with Luzzu… fueled the momentary need to watch him, the lone object of my truest desires, suffer.

The bedspring coils whined wistfully as Riku stood. Holding his face in a scowl, he put on his shoes, taking the time to bend down and unlace them before slipping them on. Riku fluffed his hair with his right hand as he crossed the room towards the door. I didn't dare request that he use the window again; his steps were so uneven and clumsy that I wondered how he even walked in a straight line. Having him not fall off the roof was worth possibly having Riku wake my parents up.

As he was about to open the door, he stopped. I could sense that the narrow space between the door and its frame alarmed him just as it did me. He wiped his face with his knuckles, swaying back and forth on his heels.

"I," he said still facing the door, "have nightmares about what would have happened if you died, if you gave up on searching for me, if you killed me, or, even worse, if I killed you… I have nightmares about you leaving me. I'm terrified that one day I'll wake up and never see you again. Your friendship means everything to me. It's how I get through the day. I know this is might be really scary for you, but you have to understand. I may be betraying our friendship by feeling this way, but please…" His fingers curled tighter around the knob. "Please, don't leave me. I… can't… Not without you." Riku pressed his forehead into the door, and, barely audible, he whispered, "Please, Sora. I love you."

My heart clenched. I pressed down a wave of dizziness. _I love you_, said without a trace of a lie. I could feel a blush rising, but suppressed it as soon as I had felt it. But wasn't this, that little admission, what I wanted? To hear him say that he needed me; couldn't live without me. Maybe he really did… love me. All the time I had spent thinking about him would no longer have been a waste. And I promised his mother I wouldn't hurt him.

Maybe this really would work out. Maybe if I listened to him, then everything would be alright. I could do everything I wanted to do. Love him like I dreamt of loving him.

The hope… The hope of his returning my affections was unbearable. The hope meant vulnerability. I allowed myself to be vulnerable once, and I ended up sleeping with Riku. The time we spent together was absolute bliss, and would remain as one of my fondest memories; the texture of his lips and hands tracing my every part of me were still imprinted in my memory. But the morning after that wonderful evening, he got to keep the friendship he found so endearing, and I was left with nights upon nights of lamentation.

Would the _hope_ that my affections just _might_ be returned really be enough for me to endure the pain? And even if he really did love me, why sleep with another man? He knew I loved him. If he truly did care, he would have told me. Why hide it? Why deliberately keep it a secret? Since he knew I wanted to be with him, the only reason he wouldn't tell me was because he didn't want it to stop. He wanted to have his little outings with Luzzu. Riku wanted someone who had good sex with him. He put through it with me, once, but once was more than enough. He needed a real man who'd been around the block and knows what he's doing.

Knowing this, would anyone choose to be used again?

"I had sex with you once, Riku. I won't let myself be manipulated by you any longer."

His entire body trembled, the doorknob rattling in his hand. This time, he didn't let out a sob, but I could tell tears were falling down his face again. With a single, pointed jab of a nod, he murmured, "Goodnight, Sora."

And without waiting for a response, he walked out of the door, shutting it behind him. I stared at the door pensively, expectantly. It would take me thirty minutes to realize I was waiting for him to come back through it. And although I immediately disregarded this as ludicrous, my eyes refused to turn away from the blank panel of wood.

I was exhausted. My vision was unfocused. My position was awkward and painful to sit in for so long. Yet, I keep on staring. Waiting. Wishing.

It wouldn't be until the opal moonlight of late evening shifted to the lackluster rays of early morning, until the songs of highflying birds fell from their throats, that horror over what I had done engulfed my senses.

Everything I said to Riku… Everything I wanted to confront him about peacefully much later, when I was calm… Everything… "Riku." I hadn't been dreaming. "Riku!" I toppled out of my bed in what could only be described as a blind panic. The prickling numbness in my legs caused me to lose my balance. I tumbled sideways and ended up kneeling, my face inches away from the coat Riku had left hanging on my chair. His dusty scent clung onto it.

He wasn't coming back for the coat.

He wasn't coming back for me.

* * *

Author's Notes: Just when you thought that maybe, just maybe, cupcakes were safe from angst… Ha, ha. Ha, ha….. Yeah…The last scene came as a random inspiration. Sora was supposed to mention it briefly at the beginning of this chapter; but when I looked over it, I realized it was completely out of place. So it went from five lines long to five pages with .5-inch x .5-inch margins.

Am I the only one curious as to _how_ this will end happily? Eh… Let's pretend I'm not.


	4. Just Hold Me Tight and Tell Me

Author's Notes: As usual, I was stuck with this chapter. This chapter and the last one weren't even supposed to really exist… at all. But I thought it would be pretty lame to end with sex… or "I love you." In the phone conversation, please do your best to keep up. If enough people don't understand, I'll be happy to post a revised copy.

Without further ado, I present to you the conclusion of "Dream a Little Dream of Me."

* * *

Just Hold Me Tight and Tell Me

* * *

The teacher's explanation of so-and-so country's first revolution against the egomaniacal, unjust dictator was admittedly interesting, but none of that mattered. The absence of Riku's calming presence next to me was utterly petrifying. I wasn't breathing correctly, my pencil was shaking in my hands, and I could barely focus my eyes long enough to read what was on my paper, let alone what was on the board.

Three days ago, I had stayed home, so I had no way of knowing that he, too, hadn't gone to school.

Two days ago, I had seen his empty chair and nodded understandingly.

Yesterday, I had seen the same chair without Riku, again, and had told myself that he just needed time.

But today was Friday. Three full days had gone by without a single word from or about Riku. Even Tidus, the least observant of my friends, noted how panicked I was getting. Kairi told me that if I was so worried, I might as well call and see what was up.

So, given her permission, I spent the entire lunch period calling his cell and his home number alternatively until his mother finally picked up. She had been out buying groceries. She was going to make Riku soup in hopes that it would be the one thing he could keep down, seeing that all solid foods would come right back up within the hour. His mother claimed that Riku had "the worst stomach virus the boy has ever had" because the antibiotics had absolutely no affect on him; rather, he seemed only to get worse with each passing day. Now, he didn't even have the strength to get up from his bed without assistance. Riku hadn't said more than twenty words since that Tuesday morning and was even beginning to lose weight.

If he didn't get better by the following Tuesday, she was going to have to hospitalize him.

"Sora," I heard Kairi whisper kindly in my ear. She took my notebook and shut it, sliding it into her bag. The redhead held my hand and tugged me up into a standing position. I then noticed that the teacher had stopped his prattling and the entire class was silently looking at me. Kairi pulled me across the room, bowing her head to the teacher with a short, "Thank you, sir," before taking us out the door. Without any sort of explanation, she led us down the hall, shoving me through one of the doors.

Looking around, I immediately realized where I was. "Kairi! What are you thinking? This is the girl's bathroom."

Kairi pushed me further into the room despite my complaint. Finding a place in the corner, she held my face in her hands, her face soft with sympathy. "What's wrong, Sora?"

"Nothing."

Her nose scrounged up momentarily, as if she was repressing a great deal of emotion. "Don't lie to me, Sora. I hate seeing you like this. I know that phone call upset you, but I thought you would wait it out until the end of the day… I mean, I'm worried about Riku, too, but he'll get better." Her voice broke. "Just you wait. He'll be okay by next week. And then we'll be hanging out again. Everything's gonna be okay. Okay, Sora?"

I shook my head, shutting my eyes. "No, Kairi. It's not okay. It's all my fault."

"What? How can it be all your fault?"

Kairi's thumbs rubbed little circles on my cheeks, the wetness of bitter tears spreading over my skin. I must have been weeping the entire time, but was too caught up in my own thoughts to recognize it. How embarrassing. "I'm so stupid." I hid my face in her shoulder. "Stupid, stupid Sora."

"What did you do, Sora?"

"I love him so much."

"I know, Sora. I know."

Her comforting hands petted my hair. "I was so selfish. I forced him to make decisions no one should ever have to make." She tried to push me back, but I held her too tightly. "I didn't care about what he might want, especially if it meant he didn't want me." My words were slurring so badly; I wondered if she understood half of them. "I messed up, Kairi."

"Sora, I don't know how I can help you if you don't tell me everything. What did you do that's so bad you're blaming yourself for Riku's stomach virus?"

I unintentionally let out a desperate laugh, whispering, "He doesn't have a stomach virus."

Her hands stopped threading through my hair. "What?" She had asked what I could have possibly done that was so wrong that it had the potential to hurt Riku so much. There was only one real answer.

I clung tighter to her. "The night we came back," I said, knowing full well that the second I told her, I wouldn't be able to stop crying long enough for her to hear the whole story. Thankfully, she wouldn't push it now, nor would she ever.

By letting someone else know about our secret, the surreal pain I forced aside would no longer be hidden. I'd been lying myself, thinking I was okay with that one night with him, that I could live only dreaming of a second night. One night could not satisfy me, but was more than enough to make me feel as though Riku was mine. I really was selfish. And now not only was I suffering, but the man I would always love was suffering as well.

I knew then what I needed to do. I needed to talk with Riku, honestly. I needed to confess, just as Riku had done in my room four nights ago, but I was too pigheaded, too jealous to realize it then. Confess, just as Kairi had advised me to do all those months ago.

But first, I had someone else I had to speak to.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hello. Is this Luzzu speaking?"

"No."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have dialed…"

"No, you're right. This is Luzzu's cell. I'm wondering how you got it, but you dialed the correct number."

"May I speak with Luzzu? It's important."

"Do you mind telling me who you are first?"

"Oh. I'm Sora. I'm pretty sure Luzzu…"

"Wait. _The_ Sora? Are you serious? Hold on a second…" "_Hey, Luzzu baby! Guess who's on the phone!_"

"_Gatta, I'm not in the mood for your games. Hey, have you seen my pants? I could have sworn I tossed them over here_…"

"_It's Sora!_"

"_What! Give it here!_" "Hello?"

"Is this Luzzu?"

"Yeah, this is he."

"I'm sorry for calling so suddenly. I got the number from Riku's mother. I hope you don't find this totally stalker-like of me."

"Of course not. I've heard so much about you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"_Please, he's all Riku ever talks about. 'Sora's so kind.' 'Sora's so amazing.' 'Sora's the most attractive being in existence.' 'Sora's the only reason I live!' Sometimes I wonder if he writes it all up by himself._"

"_Gatta! Behave yourself._" "Sorry about my boyfriend, Sora…"

"_Stop kicking me! You're so mean!_"

"…Gatta still has a lot to learn about… well, just about everything."

"It's fine. Umm… If I interrupted anything, I'm happy to call back later."

"Nah, it's cool. We were just… Wait. Did you want anything?"

"Yeah. I wanted to ask you something, but I see that it would be a complete waste of our time to do so."

"Okay… Have anything else you want to know?"

"…How long has it been since you and Riku stopped dating?"

"_I found your pants._"

"_Thanks, Gatta. Actually, since you're fully dressed, do you mind stepping out for a sec?_"

"_Whatever._"

"_Thanks. Be out in a few._" "Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry about that. Gatta can get a bit jealous, especially about Riku because I'm still friends with him."

"That's understandable."

"First off, I don't want you confusing what Riku and I had for dating. We were both rebounding: Gatta and I had another one of our tiffs and were separated; and although Riku never did specify, I was under the impression something happened between you two. I was visiting my aunt for the summer and I think it was at the end of July when I met Riku."

"At the pool, right?"

"Yeah, at the pool. One thing led to another and we ended up seeing each at least once a week. I had to come back to Besaid once school started, but we managed to continue the relationship for another month or so. I know I got back with Gatta at the very beginning of October, so Riku and I must have stopped before then. We've been friends since."

"I see… This is a bit awkward for me to ask, but do you know if there were others?"

"I can say for certain that I was the only one. Riku was very strict about being with one person who he had gotten tested and knew was clean, and who he trusted wasn't going to go behind his back, sleep around, and get him infected. After we ended it, Riku felt really guilty about the relationship and told me he wasn't looking for another one anytime soon."

"Why did he feel guilty?"

"Man, I must have really misjudged your relationship if you can't figure out why he felt guilty for sleeping with another man!"

"Oh."

"Look, I hate to rush the conversation, but Gatta's mom's gonna be coming home soon… and I'm not dressed yet…"

"I'm taking up your time. I'm so sorry!"

"It's fine."

"Thank you so much, Luzzu. I don't think you can ever comprehend how much you just helped me."

"Anything for Riku. I can honestly say he's the best half-boyfriend I've ever had. A part of me is really jealous of you for finding him first."

"I'm not sure how to respond to that."

"You don't have to."

"I'll leave you now because I know Gatta must be waiting. Thank you again, Luzzu."

"Maybe one of these days you and Riku can come and visit."

"Until then, I guess."

"Until then."

* * *

I tried to remember everything my coach had said about maximizing effort and minimizing wind resistance while running, but was pulling a blank. I tried to mimic how I ran during meets, but knew I was still doing it incorrectly. There was an omnipresent dull pain that I couldn't name; it rose up from my diaphragm and hampered my ability to inhale steadily. Everything hurt. I let out an ached gasp and nearly tripped because of a dip in the pebbled road. My muscles stung with exhaustion with every step, every beat against the dirt.

As the dense forest thinned out, the path that paralleled the shore became smoother and easier to run on. Turning right at a fork in the road, I caught a glimpse of mountains to my left, sea to my right, and my town in front of me. It had expanded so much in such a short amount of time, and there were still many building projects to be completed. The port that had been finished before I left had had a profound impact on the town. One day, this little no-name town would be a bustling port city.

Despite my body's exhaustion, I ignored the numbness in my muscles and sprinted forward. I had no destination in mind; rather, I allowed my body to lead me serendipitously down the path and then through the streets once in town again. I had no intention of returning home that night, but the farther I wanted to run from it, the more I was drawn in my house's direction. Breathless and sweating through the darkening streets, an odd sense of forlornness crept up on me. It wasn't until I stopped in front of Riku's house instead of my own that I understood this unease. Because I had stopped running without slowing my pace first, my legs jittered sporadically. I could hardly stand still as I stared emptily at the façade of his house, which appeared intimidating and hostile in the pale moonlight. (It was already so late? How long had I been running?) In the back of my head, all the horrible things I had said and done to Riku played in a continually looping cycle. The part of me that was utterly ashamed of myself told me to walk the twenty remaining steps to my front door; a quieter, humbler part, on the other hand, refused the order. I must have stood there for fifteen minutes before finally crossing Riku's lawn.

It took me no time to find his room, which was located in the same room in his house as my bedroom was in mine. I stood for another moment before I finished formulating the path I would take. Alternating between using the rain gutter and a window, I climbed onto the roof of the extension to the first floor that Riku's parents had made when they first moved in. As I crawled over the tiles, I made sure to be as silent as possible, imagining how awkward it would be to get caught.

I reached Riku's room without a hitch. Through the open window, I could see Riku in his bed… staring at me. Clamming up, I did the only thing I could think of doing: I waved. Feeling completely ridiculous a second later, I threw my hand down to the ledge of his window. He still didn't say anything, only sitting up and combing his fingers through his hair to lessen its messiness. I rubbed the back of my neck as I whispered, "Hey, Riku. May I come in?"

He looked at me so intently that I blushed and was overcome with nervousness. Finally, he responded in a tired voice, "If you've come this far, who am I to say no?"

Sighing gratefully, I sat on the window ledge, taking off my shoes and tossing them somewhere in the room. The jacket I received from the track team followed shortly afterward. I slipped from the ledge onto his bed, and I automatically sat myself between Riku and the wall. In my head, I was somewhat thankful that Riku still had his blanket over the lower half of his body; if it wasn't, I had the feeling Riku would have moved away because of the proximity between us.

It was then that I realized how silly it was for me to barge into Riku's room without any sort of plan in mind. We sat in silence, waiting for the other to say something and not having the courage to say anything ourselves. We each started to murmuring a couple of times, but before anything comprehensive was said, we would stop and begin staring off into space again. Finally, impatience got the better of me and I grumbled, "This is so awkward." As if to exaggerate this point, I fell sideways, lying down with my elbow digging into his pillow and my hand holding my head up. From this position, I could only see the back of Riku's tee, but I found that I felt a hundred times more comfortable like this than when I could see his face.

Realizing that nothing would be done if I didn't make the first move, I remarked, "You don't have a stomach virus."

He chuckled, hunching over. "No, no I don't." There, I broke the ice. And I would have continued talking, but I felt that I shouldn't. It wasn't very long until Riku said in the flattest tone he could muster, "I'm gay."

Now it was my turn to laugh. "I know."

There was another long, awkward pause. "I should have told you earlier."

"If you think so," I mumbled absently.

He put his face into his hands. "No, Sora. You don't understand! You shouldn't have found out in any way or from anyone other than me." He clutched onto his hair. "I ended it with him ages ago! If you thought I was still with him that means you've been keeping this in for months. You've been so kind, waiting for me to confess. If I was you, I would have been upset too. I'm such an idiot!" Is that what he thought? That I said all those horrible things to him because I lost my patience after being a _good_ _friend_? That was so… wrong. But if that was the case, Riku must have spent the last four days guilt-tripping himself into thinking he was the one at fault. In a rush of empathy, I reached out, touching just above where his bandage ended. I bit my lip. I had no idea that he went to sleep wearing it. "I was with him on Monday, but I swear, we were hanging out. I didn't have any intention of sleeping—"

"I know, Riku. I know. I called Luzzu before I came over."

Riku turned around quickly, exclaiming, "You what?"

"Yeah, I called him. He's sounds like a pretty nice guy. Gatta, on the other hand, seems to be the type of guy you have to get used to before you start liking him."

The mention of his friends snapped something in place inside Riku. Or maybe it was my laidback, accepting attitude to his multiple confessions that did it. Whatever the case, Riku took a moment of deep thought before relaxing, shaking his head in hesitant contentment. Slowly, he lay back down, repeatedly searching my face for any sign of annoyance or disgust. Maybe he saw this as a test to see how well I still trusted him. I had the urge to confess my own feelings to him, but knew that I should wait for the perfect opportunity. Riku smiled softly, closing his eyes and folding his arms under his head. "That's Gatta for you. I'll never forget the first time I met him. And here I thought I was clingy."

He continued on with a story about him, Gatta and Luzzu going to the movies, but I had a hard time paying attention. I found it irritating to hear Riku avoid the conflict, again. I know: he was being considerate, thinking that since I have accepted him for being gay, we could go on with our friendship as if not even his confession could change anything between us. But that angered me even more than anything else. Was what we did that insignificant to him that he could ignore that it ever happened?

Before I could stop myself, I interrupted him with a grave whisper, "Why did you sleep with me?"

Riku tried his best to keep his features unexpressive, but I could tell that I had asked the one question he didn't want to ever hear. His eyes still closed, his breath hitched inelegantly as he begged, "Please, Sora. Not that."

I could barely end a thought before another began. "I need to know, or I can never… Riku, if you ever want… You know I didn't mean anything I said Monday night. I don't even know why I said it. It's just—Just tell me. I need you to say it. Why? Do you not want to tell me because I—I wasn't good enough?"

He opened his eyes now, giving me that singular, intense look he had given me only twice in my life. In a quick blur of color, he climbed on top of me. His blanket slipped off the bed. "Of course not!" I tried to sit up but Riku grabbed my wrists, slamming them beside my head. I gasped at the suddenness of the burst of violence Riku displayed, but didn't dare fight back.

His aggression waned just as quickly as it appeared. (Although he wasn't technically sick, he didn't have much strength because he hadn't been eating correctly.) He slumped until he was practically laying on me, but his eyes were determined. "Are you really that insensitive, Sora?" He exhaled deeply onto my neck causing an unwanted feeling of desire to bubble up. "How dare you ask me something like that? You're the one who used me!" What? "I was willing to forget. I told myself I should be thankful, and that, no matter the circumstances, it was worth it if I could be with you for a night. I was okay with it! But just because I accepted it doesn't mean you can rub it in my face."

"What are you talking about?"

His face contorted, hurt. "I never knew you could be so manipulative. Do you really need me to say it… aloud? Is this about boosting your ego or, or are you just curious?" He slipped his head into the crook of my neck as his anger deflated into exhaustion. "Sora, Sora, Sora. You know, in all the creative ways people have come up with to seduce me, 'do you want to… yeah' is definitely one to remember."

"Riku, I never said that."

His hands moved from my wrists to the sides of my face. He lifted his head back up, his lips hovering close enough to mine that I could feel them as they moved. "Yes, you did, Sora. You knew how I felt. You knew that I was willing. I—I slept with you, knowing that you only wanted a good time. I would never do that to myself, but, Sora, I loved you so much." His lips trembled as he pressed them against my mouth, his pelvis doing the same against mine. "I still… I love you. I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with you, even if what's between us will never be anything more than platonic." He licked my lips. "Let me be your friend, Sora. At least give me that."

I shook my head loftily. The panicked look on his face broke my heart, but I suddenly felt so… elated. Riku just laid out his heart to me, and now I wasn't stupid enough to think he was lying. He moved to pull away, but I wrapped my arms around his neck before he could put any noticeable distance between us. He tried to break my hold but was unsuccessful. "Riku," I murmured, licking his lips as he did mine. The teen gasped and started to say something, but I interjected, "If I told you that you completely misunderstood my intentions, would you believe me? Well, for now, I'm going to put aside whether or not I asked you for sex because, in the long run, it doesn't matter; either way, I never wanted just a single night with you." I pushed him off of me, only to sit on top of him a second later. I waited for the weight of my words to sink in. Riku seemed a little confused at first, but I soon saw hope flicker in his eyes. I held my most serious expression as I slid my hand up his tee and firmly ran it up his chest. "If I told you I loved you," I kissed him gently, choosing not to continue.

Riku, albeit hesitantly, stroked my side, being so daring as to push my shirt up a little to touch my skin. "Are you sure?"

I only grinned as I leaned down for another kiss. This one, unlike the one before, was passionate, to say the least. How we didn't manage to take off any article of clothing was beyond me, especially when considering how we clutched at the other's shirt, yanking it this way, tugging it another. Riku repeated my name again and again as if he were reciting a mantra of ownership or seduction. As he opened his lips to murmur my name again, his cheeks warm with a blush, I took the opportunity to slip my tongue into his mouth. I instantly let out a feral moan as I tasted his very natural, but still unique, taste again. It was slightly surprising that he actually complied, allowing me to have complete dominance. It felt… great.

Without any warning, Riku urged me away from him. I was compelled to ignore his musings and go back to kissing him, but knew that he wouldn't be too happy if I did. So, still panting, I asked, "What's wrong?"

"We can't do this right now."

"We're just kissing, Riku."

"Really?"

"Yes."

He crossed his arms smugly. "Then would you care to explain to me why your hand's in my boxers?"

I blushed, my brain finally interpreting what my hand was touching. I removed my hand at once. I tried to hide my face by covering it with my forearm, tipping off Riku to fall back into my original position beside him. I groaned, "I am so sorry."

"It's fine, Sora." He kissed my temple, leaving his lips there as he spoke in a hushed tone. "Look, I won't say that I don't want to rush things, because it's way too late for that. It would be stupid for us to wait. But, I'm a bit of a romantic; and you all sweaty from whatever you were doing before you got here and me feeling all funky from not getting out of bed in a couple of days are not usually included in my vision of a perfect night for us to finally… express what we feel for each other. And although my parents are out right now with co-workers, I don't know when they'll be coming home, and I don't want them catching us… expressing what we feel for each other. And I feel really weak right now and—"

"I get it, Riku. Bad timing equals no sex." Riku rolled his eyes at my bluntness, lightly shoving my shoulder. I moved my arm away to look into his eyes, an eyebrow curving into a high arc. "Wait, you said you haven't gotten out of bed in a while. How long has it been since you bathed?" I definitely caught Riku off guard with that one. He blushed, refusing to answer. I sat up and made a face, using my foot to push him away from me. "Ew, Riku!"

"Shut up!" How cute! He was whining! "It's not my fault I haven't been able to get up for extended periods of time." I frowned, remembering why he was "sick." He didn't mean for the blame to fall onto me, but now I couldn't help but think of it as my fault. Stupid Riku.

A random thought bubbled up. I climbed over Riku's feet and got off his bed. He looked at me funnily as I stood expectedly. "Let's go," I ordered.

"Go where?"

"Trust me."

Although he obviously was uncertain about whether or not he should, he grabbed my arm at the elbow and pulled himself up. He refused to ask for assistance, but when I saw how much difficulty he was having supporting his own weight, I had to help. I ignored the guilt my conscience felt at his physical weakness as I walked him out of his room, down the hall and into the bathroom. He glared at me as I left him to use the sink for support. Noting that there were two towels, I closed and locked the door, deciding against turning on the light because I felt that the blue stream of moonlight from the small, clouded window was enough. I then walked over to the shower and turned it on.

"What do you think you're doing?"

I turned around and, without answering him, began to strip. I folded every article of clothing as I took it off, carefully placing it on the toilet seat. Riku didn't say anything further as he carefully watched me. I stopped once I was clad in only my boxer briefs, which slightly disappointed him.

"Sora, I thought we already went through this. We can't right now. And this is even worse."

I walked over until I was standing just a step away from him. "Do you always think people are asking you for sex?" He looked displeased by my comment, so I held up my hands to display innocence. "I won't do anything too… demanding." I pulled up his tee and then pushed his boxers down, happy to see that Riku complied with my musings for the second time that night. I nipped at his ear, cooing, "If we can't sleep together tonight, at least give me this." Understanding my intentions, he embraced me, kissing me as I led us into the shower.

We kissed for a while, letting the water steadily beat against us and wetting our skin and our hair. He had me pushed against the wall, always putting some of his weight onto me, and I loved the claustrophobic pressure that followed. We avoided wandering touches and pressing our bodies too close together so we wouldn't lose control. We did eventually decide that I would take off my briefs because we trusted each other enough that they had become superfluous.

Eventually, I pulled out of the kiss, panting, "We have to stop." My companion rolled his eyes, but grumbled a "Whatever." I smiled, picking up the shampoo. "We clean our own hair," I said as I grabbed his left wrist.

Feeling moist fabric, my eyes jolted down and saw that he still had the bandage on. He must have forgotten all about it, like I had, until now. Riku immediately tugged his arm away but my grip was tight. He had paled, hyperventilating. "This was a bad idea." Riku began covering his chest with his right arm in what seemed to be an attempt to hide his scars, which he too had failed to remember about.

The sight of Riku cowering sent a rush of fury through me. I wrenched his wrist closer to me, fiercely snarling, "Stop." He obeyed, but fear and insecurity were still present in his fair features. Relaxing, I locked my eyes with his as I unraveled the bandage. As the fabric slipped between my fingers, Riku flinched.

I glanced down at his now exposed forearm. The extreme unevenness of his skin and the discoloration made it perfectly clear that he had been burned. I turned his arm over to find the same fire-mangled flesh. I knew what I had been expecting to see: thin, straight stripes that ran perpendicularly to the length of his forearm. Although what I did find was nothing to celebrate about, I sighed in relief. Remembering Riku's insecurity, I licked my wet lips, asking, "What happened?"

"I fell into a trap. I managed to avoid the brunt of the damage, but my arm…"

"Am I the only one who's seen this?"

"Other than King Mickey and Ansem the Wise, you're the only one who has seen my bare chest, let alone my arm."

That was all I needed. I uncapped the shampoo bottle that I had put down when I took off his bandage and poured some into the palms of our hands. I kissed his cheek and then began lathering my own hair, humming.

Because we shampooed our own hair, taking turns under the water to rinse off the lather, we kept ourselves in check. Even as we were making out, we both displayed an impressive amount of control over ourselves. But we had become overly confident and due to this, we severely underestimated how intimate soaping the other was. I cleaned him first, so I had no idea why he was practically writhing. Riku clutched onto me, pulling me so close that there was hardly a second where at least two of our limbs weren't touching. When I was finally done, he rinsed off quickly and then, with a coy look of revenge, began soaping me. I nearly went mad from the pleasure rising through my body with each circle he gently rubbed. I wanted to moan, to scream, to make Riku ravage me right there, but knew that it was against the rules. So, I seized a fistful of his hair and writhed right back at him.

Conditioning was nothing much by comparison. We rubbed it in, and as we waited the three minutes as directed by label on the back of the bottle, we kind of just hugged and whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears. I would call it being sweetly intimate.

When we finished our shower, Riku and I dried each other off, alternating between singing and humming songs we had heard during our adventure. Towels wrapped around our waists, we took turns with the brush, but he refused to give it back to me after I hit him with it. In my defense, he said I looked strange with my hair down, like how he remembered Leon looking like but not as hot.

I had my own toothbrush here, so I walked over to the sink, humming again. I began brushing my teeth, changing the tune to a somber one. I couldn't remember where I had heard it, but it played strongly in my mind. Riku walked up behind me, kissing my neck. He must have known the song as well, because he began humming along with me, beginning to brush his own teeth. We sounded horrible, but we refused to stop. Something about the melancholy of the actual melody humbled our playful mood. Riku must have felt the change as well, because once we were done brushing our teeth, he whispered tenderly into my hair, "I'll always love you, Sora." He kissed the top of my hair, breathing in the scent of its cleanliness. "Don't ever leave me again."

Feeling the weight of his words, I promised, "I won't." I let him lean down and suck and bite my neck until it was a violent shade of red. It was going to bruise, I was sure of it, but I didn't have the heart to complain. "Let's—Let's go back to your room, Riku."

Riku grabbed all of our clothing, including my boxer briefs that I had wrung out. When we got to his room, I searched through his drawers as he sat down at the edge of his bed. I tossed him a pair of boxers, and then went to find another pair for me. Finding one, I slipped mine on. I caught him staring at me, so I posed, pouting heavily and thrusting out my hips. "You want some?"

He didn't laugh as I had intended, and it was then that I noticed the fingers of his right hand touching his left forearm. Frowning, I walked up between his legs, leaning down to kiss his ear. He turned away.

"How long have you loved me?"

I sighed, running my fingers through his hair. "Always."

Apparently, that was the wrong answer. "But I've changed, Sora. How can you be so sure that you still…?"

"You're right. I looked for my best friend, but found you instead."

Riku shuddered at how I decided to end my sentence, wrapping his arms loosely around my middle. "Am I that much of a disappointment?"

I knelt down so our eyes were level. "When I was traveling between worlds, I did look for a particular Riku—the kid I grew up with; the friend who I had a crush on; the boy who I would be happy to be gay with, no matter what others would say. The Riku I searched for could be a bit impish at times, but he was always the one I wanted to be like. That Riku was my idol. But you're not him. You're not even the same Riku I lost my virginity to. (Yes, Riku. I was a virgin. Don't look so surprised.) You are more of a stranger now than at any other time in our friendship.

"Calm down. You look like I ripped your still-beating heart from your chest. You've changed. Yes, you have changed. But something about the man you've become made me realize this was love, and not just idol worship or close friendship as I once had feared it being. I love you now (whoever you are) sexually, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, chemically and probably even metaphysically. I would do anything for you, and I was more than willing to do anything to get you _back_… whatever was necessary to see you; to have you by my side again. My love for you has nothing to do with the normal reasons of personality, body, humor, comfort, maturity, history, et cetera, et cetera. I'm simply attached to the entity that is you." I laid my palm flat over his heart, loving how I could feel its bah-bump, bah-bump in my fingertips. "My Riku. This Riku right here. I love something so abstract and impossible it's sitting right in front of me."

In Riku's eyes, the only thing I could see was my own reflection; any doubt, any anxiety he might have felt before was wiped away by my speech. His lips twittered emptily, unable to form any word or sound to describe whatever was going through his head at that instant. Another idea stuck me. I walked over to his desk and, after shuffling through a drawer or two, picked up a pen. Returning to my place between his legs, I grabbed his left wrist and brought the pen to it.

We both knew it was just ink.

"Forever."

Even if we had the real fruit, it wouldn't have made much of a difference. They were both superficial promises; ones that were spurred into existence by the mere hope they would hold true for all of eternity. And yet, he didn't question me as I drew the little star on his skin and kissed it, nor when I brought it to his lips.

"Forever."

* * *

The Beginning

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Official Story Length (excluding the epilogue): 31,178 words

Editor's Notes (ifthedeadwerealive): **1)** This took too damn long, but I love her for it anyway. **2)** Our summary for the part before the shower scene- _Sora_: "Ew, Riku! You stinky. You washy." _Riku_: "Ehh…. Can't get up!" _Sora_: "Me helpy you washy." **3)** "We can't hide forever, Riku."

Author's Notes: I officially decided that the melody Sora and Riku hum while brushing their teeth is the first minute and 20 seconds of "Always on My Mind" from the Kingdom Hearts Soundtrack: CD B. It makes me all angsty on the inside whenever I listen to it. It is perfection.

And just in case I wasn't perfectly clear concerning Riku's intentions and misunderstandings: In the second chapter, Sora tries to take advantage of having Riku's lips against his to kiss him. When Riku realizes what Sora is doing, he pulls away and all Sora can manage to do is say, "Uh, umm. Well, uh, ah, are you going to let me go, or do you want to um, do you want us to—to… yeah…?" Sora had no clue what was stumbling out of his mouth, but what Riku understood of it was basically—"let me go or do you want to _yeah_ with me." Riku thinks that Sora, who knows that Riku has been with at the very least Ansem the Heartless, is using him. That's why Riku gets really upset when Sora wants to go further: for him, oral was still appeasing Sora without getting _too_ involved; but to do what Sora (and Riku) really wanted was far too intimate for the older boy's comfort, but Riku, being just as weak as Sora, gives in. Riku believing that Sora was using him is also why Riku didn't pursue Sora afterwards; opting to search for the intimacy he needs in the arms of another man.

Ah, the angst of it all!

I'm finally done. I started this over a year ago, but between awkward transitions, essays, finals, term papers, work, and writer's block, I got nothing done. Ever. The story itself came out more angst-ridden than I planned. Can you imagine this started out as a really, really upbeat fluff fiction? Sigh. Thanks to anyone who has made it thus far. To anyone who took the time to write a review (or two, three, and especially to those who wrote four), I want you to know that you made the time it took me to write this worth it. For this, I graciously give to thee my love... and angstyCupcakes.

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**What the hell, let's throw in an epilogue!**

NINETEEN AND TWELVE THREE HUNDRED SIXTY-FIFTHS YEARS LATER

Sora does not get stepped on by a giant, four-armed mechanical monkey. Riku doesn't trip over his shoelaces and die. Nobody has gotten diabetes from eating so much sea-salt ice cream. Kairi is still hot. Sora's friends from Radiant Gardens (cough...cough…Hollow Bastion…cough) and Mickey's castle visit so often they're really just one big happy.

Because Sora cannot biologically become pregnant no matter what some fangirls say, the amount of children Sora and Riku have isn't proof of the fact that Riku still gets laid, but we all know he does… often. Their adorable adopted children do exist, but the only one you have to worry about is Leon Cloud-goofy-yuffie-tifa-mickey-cid-donald-aerith because he's special. I mean, come on! His name is fricking Leon Cloud-Cloud-goofy-yuffie-tifa-mickey-cid-donald-aerith!

Anyway, despite all the angst some evil writer put Sora, Riku and the rest through years before, said writer wanted to make sure that the last sentence really spoke to the heart, was beautiful, heartwarming, inspirational… Ah, screw it.

All was well.


End file.
